A shell waiting to be cracked,
Enclosed in a blanket of illusions.
Images of failure and defeat,
masked the waiting celebration.
A promise waiting to be fulfilled?
Questions like this I conceive.
My hope transformed to fantasy,
a fear translated to reality.
Until a still soft voice whispers,
a reminder of love and inspiration.
Delivers reassurance to a panting soul,
reflecting the victory that He has won.
In a typical sunday night,she found herself writing in a coffee shop nearby.For a moment,her world froze.The only thing she heard was the repeated crushing of ice in the blender,the waitress calling random names,murmurs that made no sense,and a slow thumping within her.She sat in a corner,the yellow light above her head reflected her golden hair.Her big glasses hid her eyes from passers by.She wore a red lipstick to cover her pale lips.She sat as if her problems have left,deep inside trying to pretend that her life was like that of the movies.
“One Venti Dark Mocha Frappucino for Rile!”,the voice echoed and brought her back to reality.She stood and redeemed her coffee.She haven’t tasted any coffee for the past weeks…months.Atleast a coffee from a coffee shop.She just never had time and money to do so.She went back to her seat and marveled at the yellow lights placed beside the cashier.She adored yellow lights.The yellow lights never failed to trigger nostalgia.
She remembered,tip-toeing on small cylindrical stones.Walking on them as if they were pieces of a wooden bridge.The wind gently dashed across her white dress.The yellow lights lined up with the stones.The yellow lights casted a shadow of her and the man that she once loved.The yellow lights witnessed her smiles,lit up her face.That moment preserved in a small figment of time.It had passed.
She remembered,lying on the grass.Isolating herself from people the way she always did.She went back to the time when the perfect silhoutte of leaves from her favorite tree was enough to make her grin.When the infinite sky made her believe on infinite dreams and possibilities.When counting airplanes and fireflies was enough to kill her time.When the yellow lights from lamps and cars were the only ones who lit up her dark nights.
Memories rushed in her head.Like the raging waves of a restless sea.She felt restless herself.Torn between entertaining her sadness or not.She always hated the power of emotion to manipulate the entity of its origin.This time she was vocal regarding her feelings.She have learned that a human can only keep up with it on his or her own for a short span of time.Aware of the fact that this could bring nothing but sheer contentment on her sense of humanity and nothing else,she risked on letting the people around her know what she felt.Trying to connect on the least possible way that she knows.At the end of the day,she was right about it.
Words meant nothing to her.She had a hard time understanding her self and what she felt at that moment.Everything she believed went at the back of her head and she had a hard time getting to where it is.In the cold nights she asked.In the warm days,she waited.Her impatience pushed her to the edge of the cliff that she thought she once abandoned.Afraid that a short breathe could possibly cause her to fall,she strived to run away.But,with every attempt,she was dragged back to the edge.
She asked herself,whether she have really lived her life.Her disappointments were nothing compared to the stigma left by sin in the world that she lives in.The stigma that converts back to wounds with every pain that each inflicts on people.The wound that bleeds with every doubt.Regardless of everything that have happened to her.Regardless of the changes in her life.She can’t change the way she was created.An introverted being with a mind that screams words beyond her silence.She was able to keep up with it for 19 years…possibly she still need to in her lifetime.It was always hard for her to converse with people,regarding her feelings.There were days that she wanted the words to come out of her lips and create a flesh of her pain.Unfortunately,she always end up with this.
Solitude.There came a day where solitude was no longer a mere time alone.People will fail to understand,even she failed to understand herself.It was in solitude that someone made her understand.In solitude she tried to run away.In solitude she cried.Cried tears that no one saw.But these tears were felt by two.All this time she thought she cried alone.Just when she thought that her walls stood sky high that no one can climb across it,the heavens revealed that it was always higher than the sky.
She is me and He cried with me.I know I am not in the best state to say anything good…to everyone…even to Him.He is with me.He is continuously showing me how He can sustain the things that I care about the most even if I am busy trying to understand what I am into.He even gave my dad a birthday gift.He made everyone in the family happy.I will have my time.All I want right now is to love Him the way He loves me.I dont want to settle on knowing that I should love Him regardless of my circumstances.This time I want to feel.Feelings can excede the contentment brought by knowing.The way we value things usually comes with different degrees brought by varying intensities of feelings.Though feeling can sometimes be fleeting,loving will always be forever.It’s the only feeling that lasts.These tears,though invisible,are as true as You.(Who cries in a coffee shop?)
It’s time to start again.Tomorrow,I’ll wake up on a different morning.
A heart burning for change,
If not,a step higher on the chain,
The pile of blocks that made the stairs,
Grew weak,an unstability that brought despair.
Searches that hid the light,
Series of defeated fights,
Gave birth to a disheartened soul,
Clueless,lost grasp of the goal.
The dormancy that took her life,
Source of wasted tears and bitter strife.
The end of the slumber has come,
Awakened,she wouldn’t settle for some.
-Marylie C.
Dear ……,
Sorry I know this is late,it’s 1:29 am on my clock, an hour and 29 minutes pass feb 14.As you know,I’m waiting for you… Right now,I still want to feel your presence.In a dream again maybe…but I cant sleep yet.I have an exam tomorrow,2 exams.I dont know how to pull this off.First,im heavily distracted and second…im distracted.Well reading Gregoria de Jesus’ life is not the best thing to do at this time of the day…
I know I already used this before,but I want to call you Honey.It’s the cheesy name that Im most comfortable with.Do you know what I did today?To just avoid the temptation of texting the guys who asked me out days before yesterday’s over-rated day?Right after class I locked myself in my room and reflected on my life instead…I tried to dig deep within my heart,to see what’s really there and to throw whatever unnecessary feelings I have such as loneliness.Even if I deny it,God knows that I felt sad seeing those girls carrying bouquets of flowers,chocolates and love letters.I just cant lie to Him for He knows me more than I know myself.
The thought of …I could have been that girl ,carrying maybe just a stem of rose but the catch is,with the guy that I dont even love,a guy that I barely knew,a guy who just wants someone to be with on that day,another lonely soul.And that,I cant do.He’s not you.They’re not you.
I just want you to be happy…when that day comes.When we’ll both have our first glance of each other’s face.I badly want to save this date for you.The mistakes that I had before,I know they can no longer be erased,but I know I can avoid those from happening again.
Whoever you are,wherever you are right now,whatever you’re doing,whether a thought of me already crossed your mind or not…I want you to know that every night I pray for you.I know right now,God wants us first to be closer to Him before we can be closer to each other,before we can truly love each other.Even if sometimes I get defeated with my emotions as a human…God never failed to remind me of His love for me.I know,He’s doing the same to you.
You may not know me yet,but there’s a girl,who is saving her date for you.A girl who’s waiting for you.A girl who writes letters to you…even if people find her weird for doing so…even if she finds herself weird and crazy for doing so.haha.
I dont have a flower at hand,nor a letter or a chocolate bar.But I’m firmly holding on to God’s will for the two of us.I love you and Happy Valentine’s Day…okay let me say it once again…Honey. :))
Love,
Marylie
Today, Mylie, we believe God wants you to know that …
when you feel down, look at yourself through God’s eyes.
There are times when no matter how hard you try, you just cannot accept yourself as you are. During such times, think of how you look to God’s eyes. In God’s eyes, there is no judgment, there is only acceptance. God sees your light when all that you can see are your shadows. God loves you more than anyone could ever love you as you really are.-thatfbapp
Talk about timing…You’re using all the possible means to reach me.To remind me how much You love me and how much You care.You always know where to find me.I was shocked last night with how you used a person to tell me what you want me to know in the most unlikely place.
Princess, remember that a blessing is on its way. God is about to give you back two fold for every tear that was shed and every regret that comes to your mind.
Thank You God…and I’m surprised that I finally had the drive to accomplish the papers that I need to do.
:)) And yes the new hair.My depression always lead to this.Everything is gonna be alright.
Dear Em,
Cause all that’s left has gone away.This song never fails to bring me back to that night when I was alone in the lobby.Sitting on the floor.Studying ’til the last beat of the last remaining functional brain cell.Hungry.Broken-hearted.Damned but Hopeful.
I knew it.Something was meant to happen today.Here it is……..I just failed an exam.I received the result before testing our unknown carbohydrate sample in the polarimeter.The 4-hr lab exam that I told you the other day.My first failed exam in my 3rd year in college.I’m usually fine with failed exams when I was in 2nd year.Suprisingly,I didn’t fail any last sem,so here’s the first one.Losing someone and failing an exam,that’s not a good combo.Hard to deal with seriously.Tho I’m just off by 3.25 points.I still felt bad.But but I’m okay now,except that I have one night to review for tomorrow’s exam at 8am… it’s already 10:50pm…and it’s…sadly…biochem.
So I headed to mcdo katipunan right away after the lab.It’s tiring.I was able to study a bit..so on my way back to the dorm,as I was walking on the long,dark pathway…I talked to myself…yes I do that.Always.
“Marylie,why?I thought you were gonna pass,you were confident with your answers.It’s okay,3.25 points won’t hurt.The others failed too.You’re nearer to the passing mark.Yet they dont feel the way you do,so stop the drama.But why did this happen to you?What’s the next thing that you will fail on?First the person,now the exam,what marylie?”
And then I reached the road.My tears didn’t fall.
I didn’t enter my room Em.Sleeping is not an option tonight.I left my bag in the study area and went to my friend’s room.Mariel.I told her bout my failure.I remember the letter that I wrote to God last sunday.That no matter what happens after the exam,I will full-heartedly accept my fate.She reminded me to trust God even in such situations,to attend when He calls me even if doing so will eat my time to do the things that I need to do.
Yes.This is the purpose of writing that letter I guess.I just automatically wrote that on that day.It is to remind me that I should trust God even if the situations in my life don’t favor me.Well,in this world’s point of view,they don’t,but God always have a different way of viewing things.The blackest rose can be the whitest for Him.
So I went to my place in the dorm.2nd floor,left-wing comfort room,1st cubicle from the left.Tears ran down my cheeks.I felt soooooooooooooo weak.I felt like a failure.I read my bible.The letter that I wrote last sunday fell on the floor.I picked it up and read it.I cried harder while reading it.I asked God to strengthen my faith and hold me tightly when my plans for myself fail.To let his plans rule my life,no matter how hard they are to understand.Just when I was about to close the bible,I stumbled on this verse :
“That is why I am suffering as I am.Yet I am not ashamed,because I know whom I have believed,and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.-2Timothy 1:12”
At that moment,I knew what God wanted me to know,God spoke to me through the bible.He comforted me with His words.See how faithful God is.
Tonight maybe a hopeless case Em.With the insensitive girl behind me playing her player at max volume,I hope I can study.But with God,nothing is impossible.So I’m forgetting the bad and keeping the good realizations behind these unfortunate cascade of events.
Hehe.I bought 2 packs of Tatoos at mini stop.They have a 2.11oz.These cheap chips are my favorite.Forget Pringles. Haha =))
One last stretch Em.Wish me luck to not get lost on saturday.A friend read my blog,asked me why I call you Em.My favorite number is 13,my name starts with M.The 13th alphabet is M and the number 13 is chasing me again.Wherever I go.So there,Em.
Love,
Marylie
Photo by:Jun Madrid.This was last year’s photo of the Quezon hall.But it exactly looked like this except the columns of the building at the back were not yet decorated.Strings of christmas lights drape on the columns.
Dear Mr.Curiosity,
This is the sub-letter of last night’s main letter.Lol what?I’ve written a letter in paper for you.I dont have someone to talk to while I was sitting in front of Oble.Anyway,it was again another magical night.The christmas lights,the foggy streets,the orange lamp posts,the root/bed,the clear night sky,the cold breeze,the silhouette of the leaves,the giant star lanterns.This is my favorite time of the year.U.P is really wonderful during decembers.I was in the jeepney with my friend a while ago until I impulsively decided to go down and take a little walk alone.I got tired from walking to the point that my eyes were closed while doing so.Sleep walking at its finest.Then I laid on the root for a while but my eyes were falling so I decided to go back and take some rest.I could have slept in there.
Initially I thought that it was a silly thing to do.I have probsets and papers lined up but I just cant resist doing that.It’s really relaxing for me.Oh oh and I’ve seen another amazing scenery…In the amphitheater ,the rays of light that squeeze themselves in between the tree branches creating some sort of “hypnotic” effect.I really don’t know how to describe it.When I saw it my eyes were fixed on it even though I was walking.Walking forward with my head turned to my left.I’ll try drawing it then I’ll show you someday.Or we could do this too.Walk on the foggy streets of U.P during Decembers.Please let’s do this every year.:) I want to see a herd of sky lanterns with you.
I don’t know how to survive this week.But I’m glad that I’m making progress.I still can’t get back to my old routine of 2-3 hours of sleep even if I’m being forced to that kind of lifestyle again.Well I could sleep for 2-3 hours but I really feel sleepy and weak whenever I do.Unlike before,I can even survive a day with only an hour of sleep.I need that now.
Last night I’ve seen free fireworks.Isn’t that awesome?
Love,
Marylie
You finally talked to me.I was praying for this for so long.Hearing this song felt like You’re talking to me.
God You’re so amazing.I can cry my most painful and happiest tears now. Take my heart.It’s Yours.All Yours.I want to let go and detach myself from all of these.Specially when You dont want it for me.But thank You for using this event in my life.I will gladly reminisce everything when I’m ready.
A perfect sunday morning,except i woke up 9am.I planned to wake up around 7am to start studying.I haven’t done anything productive yesterday.But a matter is settled which is great.A big sigh of relief.
We may not get what we want,but God will give us what we need.Something that will give our hearts contentment,something that will put our hearts at peace and our minds brought back to reality.A reality that God wants us to see.A reality not far-fetched.A reality worth living in.
Yes I’m back.Well as lame as this may sound,but I cant leave the blogsite..for the nth time.Maybe I should change themes,or whatever.Reverting back to the Aug.12 theme was a bad idea…So anyway here I go again with my story telling.
I dont know maybe Im just feeling calm right now.Im usually calm during mornings and afternoons but when nights struck my tears are like programmed to give in to the influence of the moon and earth’s gravity combined.Life.Heartbreaks.Tears.
It’s as if the world grew so big without me noticing.You know a person is important when he/she can make a dent to your universe.Yea poetic stuff I know.But I noticed that when I try harder to hide this,the more I get hurt.I just hope that one day,I’ll get to talk to you via phone or whatever,as long as there is voice to discuss what happened.Even if we go separate ways…or yea..but we’re not even..idk…just that..I wish you all the best for now and forever.But hey,I dont blame you for my tears.My tears are not as significant as your problem…maybe.Well I mean,I understand the weight of your problem..uhh yea but I still have thoughts which I cant reveal here…all that I can say is…I understand…but i cant be completely gone.
So I’m going back to normal life .I just cant stop and sob over the problem.I dont wanna be left out.I can still cry once in a while but I can’t let that pull me down.It’s good to look back,just make sure that you dont get stuck.So life goes on.There are instances that we get pushed to our limits,whether it be in the physical,emotional,mental aspects… constant downpour of problems = a chance to grow.To mature,specially spiritually. Every problem happens with God’s permission.As what they say,it’s “Father-filtered”. That’s something that makes me smile right now.Based on personal experience,I always get blinded by the problem at first.Ofcourse initial reaction is to question,to get mad.Partly,I’m still in that stage right now but I guess I’m no longer blinded…blinded in the sense that I’d let the problem eat me,I’d let it to constantly push me down whenever I try to get up. It’s always better to look at the main goal of myself being subjected to the problem,rather than feeling bad and looking at life negatively.If there’s one thing Homo sapiens isn’t adapted to,it’s coping with a loss or a problem right away.Yes people can tell you feel-good lines,watch happy movies…but the more you turn away from the problem…the more it will run after you.Courage is acknowledging your fears and dealing with it.Courage is made possible by fear.Just like oil and water mixing.There will be a point where opposite things can signify one meaningful thing.I dont know…but yhe.
(hearing my mother rant …is distracting.the whining voice.)
Haha.I cant fool myself and tell random stuffs right now that dont even get my attention.I always blog what I feel.What I think.What I do…so what I did today.I woke up 7:53 am.We held a debate seminar at 8am…so I got up.Since I took a bath late night the other day I just dressed up right away.Yea ,formal business attire then headed directly to the Tarlac Capitol…Well I enjoyed it.I listened to the speaker even if that’s our event.It was fun.A deposit to my knowledge bank .Seeing the high school students do a mock debate was entertaining but I cant help but comment silently in my seat as I watch them.It’s like hearing different versions of the same song.Same thought,just different delivery,a play of words.And then I went to the park,called my friend and then I headed to the arcade again,played basketball with the formal business attire.Bought a slurpee and went home.Ok the last part was monotonous.The other day I scored 234.Highest so far,cuz friends are watching me play.Pressure. -.-But I didnt beat the high score which is just 278. Yea,lame.
I’m still waiting for my last grade to show up…It’s the determining factor…whether I’ll be a college scholar this sem (dean’s lister)…but as far as I know I got 2.5 in that unless prof will curve…I’ve never been a college scholar…Nearest GWA was 1.76.Cut off 1.75.it just feels nice to write bout it now cuz it is now where im closest to becoming one… 1.67 and counting…I need a grade of 2.00. But expected is 2.5.Oh well. But whatever happens it has been a good sem…even if it ended like this…there’s more to this life than this.
Smylie. 🙂 Soon,I’ll be in the get-used-to-up stage.A week left and hello second sem with all your mamaw subjects.
A nice Katy Perry song.Have you ever been?
Hushed Noise 