Stylus Strokes: Faces

Rose Undercover.

The Art of Thinking.

Hair-almost.

Self.

Zenith

“Do you still look up the sky?”

Yes I still do.Every single day.Every waking moment.

I lose my hopes from time to time.External factors always try to crack my shell.I don’t like the feeling of seeing things around me,sad and upsetting ones and not being able to do anything about it, even just for the time being.But still,such situations make me feel static.They make me ask questions.Questions that people  dont like me to ask.

Is it really worth it?

Will something really happen?

Will this eventually make sense?

Why does it take so long?

Why is this happening?

How can I help them?

I can help them if I refrain from asking these questions.

The thing about us,humans,is that,no matter how hard we try to put up a strong, unshakable version of ourselves, a portion of us will always disagree to this make-believe persona. I cant hold it for too long.

Some days will knock us down.Crack our shells,but we must not let it get to our core. I’d like to take these things as lessons on knowing myself more.Understanding the design of my circuitry. When I was a kid,I always had this belief that I was different.Growing up,I realized that each of us is different but our differences reconcile in such a way that we can still live in harmony.

I sometimes get disappointed that I see things this way,feel things this way,say things this way,cope this way.But if I keep on hating how myself responds to such stimuli,nothing will really happen.

Maybe I just stop for a while when I recognize the problem.But I carry on.

I look up the sky and marvel at its beauty…and it reminds me,that I am like the sky.It has always been there,it takes a little effort to tilt your head to see what it has.Despite all the cosmic chaos that it had been through,it made it.Its beauty perfected by chaos.

 

Remember to remember

 

There goes my scarves in cream,black,green, and a bunch of other colors for the two on the left.These are the new ones.But I still hope to find my old scarves.

My mom really has a good sense of fashion.I was suppose to go out this morning but  I was not able to sleep early last night after sleeping for  half a day the other day.So I asked mom if she can find me a decent looking scarf.I was surprised that she came home with 5 scarves  and several tops that I liked.

Last night I was trying to finish my “Why I write” blogpost but my mind ended up giving me words that I didn’t really like to put there.So maybe I’ll finish it some other time.A friend just told me about it,after reading some random people’s write ups in that MIT open course I think.So I thought of doing one to remind myself why I do this and why I still keep on doing it.

Maybe that’s the key, to revisit your reasons, to magnify your purpose. Last night I had a chat with a 16-year old and I remember a particular line from him or her:

“It will all be worth it”.

I hope so. I remember whining for the past months or maybe years about not doing what I really wanted to do.It still pains me whenever I see an electronic sewing machine in the mall,or a store full of all sorts of fabrics. To those who don’t know what I’m talking about, I really wanted to be a fashion designer, but at the moment, I just finished my degree on Chemistry (Yes,you read that right) and I’ll be taking the board exam on September.

It’s not like I regret what I am now.I don’t,it’s just sometimes we cant help but wonder what things could have been if things happened the way we wanted them to be.But waiting on the lab for hours,hoursssss, just to come up with something that will give me a reasonably good data taught me that

The easier way isn’t always the right way.

and this hard way is draining my energy,even my enthusiasm on certain things. Judging from my personality, it’s really hard for me to be hopeful all the time. I can sometimes be,but I can’t go on pretending to be like that. I really need to acknowledge the things that I try to ignore.Ignorance is bliss, but you need to wake up from it.

I do sound gloomy don’t I? I can be really hard-headed at times.In times like this,I should remember to remember.

 

When it isn’t enough

 

On towering valleys
I set my hopes
Painting the sky
With dreams untold.

Dreams that outnumber stars,
yet lurks in my fantasies.
Invisible, intangible.
Only in my mind they stay true.

Fear has such a tight grasp.
Failures shatter my vision.
Doubt shouts rejection.
But there must be a reason,

to continue dreaming
despite everything.
To someday hear the heart
Of my dreams beating
-HushedNoise

Chalom

Once perceived as figments of the subconscious,
Useless visions , empty presumptions.
A product of manipulation,a site of construction.
An element of a dysfunctional mind,a lingering illusion.

But cloaked were images of the future.
A seed to plant and a plant to nurture.
A search that needs no searching,
Rather patience that is rewarding.

An antagonist to my heart’s condition
or a mere overview of the future?
Time started,time will unfold.
Until then it shall not be told.

The hidden message I might not know,
And so currently I’m resisting the flow.
Juggling the discoveries,picking the realities.
Only truth can cure the anxieties.

A Lackluster’s Cry

 

A heart burning for change,
If not,a step higher on the chain,
The pile of blocks that made the stairs,
Grew weak,an unstability that brought despair.

Searches that hid the light,
Series of defeated fights,
Gave birth to a disheartened soul,
Clueless,lost grasp of the goal.

The dormancy that took her life,
Source of wasted tears and bitter strife.
The end of the slumber has come,
Awakened,she wouldn’t settle for some.
-Marylie C.

WHY OH WHY

Today, Mylie, we believe God wants you to know that …

a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

Always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level you together open in love and discover the truth of your beloved anew. There is no limit to the beauty of your beloved. If you think you’ve reached the end, stop generalizing.

I had a dream and I get this right after opening fb.What is this telling me? @_@

One weird dream.WEIIIIRD.T_T Yea,I should never believe in my dreams anymore. Traumatizing.

If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it.Tennessee Williams

Like Raindrops On A Glass Window

I followed its path,the moment it touched the glass.The drop seemed confused,it moved in a wiggly path,slowly.But something unusual happened when it came into contact with other drops,they fused together ,travelled and rapidly dropped to the bottom of the window.It dropped with another drop in a defined path.The path where the other drop took it.

I want to change my life,the usual things that I do everyday,take a different path when going to buildings,wake up as if I’ve never seen the world before and be excited to try every single thing,solve every problem that comes my way,joyfully accept every bit of information in my knowledge bank…but I can’t…I simply can’t.

I can’t study,aside from the weather and this induced laziness,I got tired of not doing what I  really want.But I must not.I want to be an archaeologist,I want to be a fashion designer but right now I must be a chemist.I know that it is interesting but Im just not interested…Maybe right now I cant force my self to like it because it’s just too hard for me.Maybe it’s just the difficulty that drives me insane.Maybe,I hope it’s just that.

In life,it’s fun to think of the future ,of what we want for ourselves.But,it will be always God’s will that will be obeyed,that shall be obeyed.Whatever you want for me God,I shall obey.I’ll just take this as a part of your masterplan.Whatever that is happening right now,with your guidance,I know You will take me there.

I must live the present.