I need to go back

 

Not to you, but to myself.

I had to gather all the courage left in me. Maybe even pick-up the courage that kept hanging on the edge of each broken piece. I lost myself along the way and the road that lead me here is now out of sight. So I need to trace it back, only now, I’m on my own.

Pain still wakes me up. When it does, it cuts deep. It butchers every remaining tissue that still beats for you, every cell that yearns for you. I endure this pain, hoping that I will love you less with each passing day. This is the irony of moving on- the antidote for pain is pain itself.

“Love” can sugar coat the ugliest truth. I need to scratch the surface that grew thick. No matter how exhausting, no matter how tedious. I have to uncover the truth about us and swallow the bitter core that will always remind me that we’re not meant to be together. Not because I didn’t want to, but because you chose to let go. At the end of the day, love boils down to a decision and you did not choose me.

To you, I was just the moon. You placed yourself as the sun of my life. So I simply stood behind your shadow and shined with your light. I tried to pull the waters that consistently attempted to drown us. With this fickle heart, I tried everything to save what was left of us. But it’s hard to fight the battle on my own.

I forgot that I am not someone else’s satellite. I am a star- born out of collision, shaped by chaos. I have a light of my own and this light can uncover the roads that I need and I am yet to take. I am not an option. I am not a back-up plan. I am the answer to someone’s prayers. I am a gift to someone’s life.

 

(Written a week ago, I’m better now. :D)

…

Now it feels like the person that I loved died.

He is there, the manifestation of his physical presence but whenever I see his face, it’s as if I’m looking through a deep void. No matter how hard I search his face, I no longer see him. I can’t even catch a glimpse of my love.

It is best to forget about us. Maybe you weren’t real at all.

 

A new today

When you finally choose to change your ways, God will help you according to His will.

That’s what I learned today.

I starred at the field where we used to spend our time while waiting for an office mate.Rode someone else’s car on my way home. Watched the sunset from the tinted window. Left a pair of shoes in their car.

I fixed my mind to resist the prolonged agony of going back to how we used to be. You still contacted me for no concrete reason. I mean after everything that happened, that is such an unreasonable and pathetic move. You could have tried harder, but you didn’t. I no longer want to think of the good things. So I thought, maybe you’re just bored. You don’t want or love me enough to go beyond a single text message.

There are times that I wish I never knew you. I really wish I never did. But the lesson of our story will surely be useful in my future.

So in the coming days, I will continue to choose to move away from you. Each day, I am 24 hours away from our past. I will continue doing this as soon as I finally let go of everything, every remaining love, every inflicted pain.

Because sometimes, we need to give-up on loving. We need to save ourselves from the delusion that we’re in. It’s hard to fight a battle of two all by ourselves.

I still carry with me, this heavy heart. The heart that you murdered down to its core. The heart that you left bleeding until it was emptied with all the love that it has for you.

You taught me how to be numb, but someday I will choose to love again.

You will never see her, no matter how hard you try to look for her.

You will never see the girl who loved you- ever again.

Remind me

I want to be reminded of the love that I have for everything in my life aside from you.

I want to see through the eyes that God made for me. Too loose the scales that blinded me. I am not an extension of your soul. I am not a part of you nor should you be a part of me. It sure is going to be hard. To remove every bit of you in my system. But I should. After all the lies, after all the things that you have done that destroyed me.

I am forgetting you. You no longer have a place in my heart.