Through it All

“Do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, . . . but rejoice . . . when His glory is revealed. —1 Peter 4:12-13”

God is an amazing God.I cant help but cry realizing how God helped me out.Through everything.And this calmness and peace of mind that He gave me tonight.It’s an amazing feeling.The forgiveness as well that I’ve been asking.For the wrong things that I consciously and unconsciously do.

The past weeks were very challenging,specially the past few days.For some reasons I didn’t feel the paranoia that I usually feel when such problems pile up or suddenly arise.Someone inside my heart kept on telling and convincing me that everything is going to be okay.I know it’s You.You swept away my fears.

All these realizations,the events that happened,You perfectly planned them.Thank You for always being there.Thank You for walking with me.Through the good and the tough times.Please don’t let go of me or please dont allow me to let go of You. I dont want to go back to my old life.When I find no purpose in life.When the only goal is to be successful.

Now,I’m no longer afraid.I am Your child and You love me so much that You always made ways for me to go back whenever I go a stray. Trials are no match to Your unfailing love.Your ways are perfect .They are just perfectly done ,they made me see the clearer picture,the bigger picture.

Rejoice when Your glory is revealed.You reveal them to me,more and more each day. Use me Lord to fulfill Your plans,use me for Your glory.This is just an amazing feeling.

Of Long sleeps and Spicy nuts

It’s Day _?I lost track of time.Been sleeping a lot lately.The long sleeps are making me sleepy.My body clock isn’t used to 6 or more hours of sleep.It craves for more when it gets it.I must go back to my old sleeping habit.It’s practical to do so.Long sleeps are not doing me any good.Productivity level is low.Today is paper day and I’ll finish the paper today then I can study for the exam on monday.After this blog I’ll study biochem even just for 1 and a half hour.Well atleast my paper has finally a continuous one-way flow.1 page pa lang.and it’s putol putol pa.

😐 I want something.I want I want.Sigh,yea I want.I cant blame myself for being stupid sometimes,I can be naturally stupid.Just when I thought I found clarity,there goes something very vague.

I think I’m getting a long bath later.Yea long.20 minutes maybe?or 30.Idc if i’ll be late for class,it starts at 10:30 anyway.I just want the feel of the cold water on my skin.I want a body scrub with my almond blaa blaa scrub.When was the last time I did that?My hair looks so ugly.Good thing I got my clothes back.I just hope that they’re all “alive”.

Also,im eating spicy nuts for breakfast.Too lazy to go out.I need to eat foods that will wake me up with the exception of caffeine.Yea,6am na naman ako nagising.I used to wake up at 2am or 3am everyday,rushing to the bathroom to take a bath.There was a time that I even turned the shower on with my clothes on just to wake myself up.I wish I can do that again.16 units and tired?What more when lab comes to life again?Every experiment ,FR.I can’t even imagine how I’ll managed to do that.

This is my morning rant.I had a dream.It involves a “codon”,sweets and chocolates.

3:26 @ the up main library

Im sleepy again 😐  2 pages,not bad.Tho kalat pa ang ideas.Gah

‎:| im such a noob when it comes to borrowing books in the library.

4pm:Ok.I always need someone to assist me.wrong counter. -.-

5:12pm:

I’m under a lot of pressure.I will be a metamorphic rock soon.

:(

Sigh…

what a girl needs…

 

Another dream came true.

Day 3

6:05am

Nom.Curly Tops.Nom.

So yea,I woke up 5am.Tapos i was lying on my bed for around 30 minutes.Tsaka ko p lng naisipang mgstart.Pero.Idk how to start.I dont trust internet sources anymore.I need books :|,I’ll go to the ASP lib later.For sure they have A-ok books.Ang sagwa to put websites that do not have .edu domain in our references.

Ok,so maybe I won’t do the paper now.I’ll just study biochem.

😐 I need a pinch of sugar.Not literal glucose sugar.But sugar sugar.Sweet sugar. The sleep is not helping in removing this stress.This feels like waking up with an automatic-to-do-list pasted on my forehead.Im still sleepy. What now?

6:24am—

 

 

 

DAY 2

9:00am

The good thing about water-proof calligraphy pen is that…it is waterproof.

Wala.I tried to wake up 5am.I ended up waking up at 6.I finished homework at 7:30 then I slept again til 8:45am.And now im still sleepy. 😐 For sure i will sleep again when my class finish at 1.Must.Stay.Away.From.Bed.I’ll go to the library. 😐 I cant afford to only study the night before the exams next week.Prepare prepare din.Im getting my biochem exam result later.Ayan na.Marylie,marylie,marylie,if you get a failing grade,ignore and move on. :))

Im going to archaeo class today.But for sure i’ll end up memorizing the h-bonding between inosine and adenine,inosine and uracil and inosine and guanine.I have to talk to prof to allow me to leave the class 15 minutes before the time.(New prof,substitute e).Another amazing race.

So yea,tonight is paper night.I dont know what to wear anymore.And this blog is pointless.

I think I witnessed the “chocolate-phenomena” with my Take it a while ago.Laterz.Need to prepare for class.

9:12am—-

7:54pm

Marylie.Pause.Even just for 3 hours.Wait lang.NASSTRESS NA KO.Talking to group mates left and right.Other hand typing,other hand texting.My eye moving back and fort.T_T It’s hard handling people,and coordinating with people,and being polite enough to care putting a smiley at the end of every msg I send them,just so they wont get irritated with me nagging and reminding them all the time.Wooo.Breathe,so 3/4 of my library hours were useless.Sudden change in plans again.Prof replied.So so.Wala naman magagawa.

And the other overly sarcastic prof is annoying me.Dunno if she means something else whenever she interrupts,whenever she tells me something.This time it’s not my paranoia,she’s always like that.Good thing is people are cooperating.Well atleast i dont annoy them pero pero may matitigas pa din ang ulo at hindi nagpapakita at HINDI NAGREREPLY!!!Come on people di lang kayo ang nasstress sa remaining  2 weeks ng sem na to!!!!!cooperate pls. -.-

8:03 pm—-

Day 1

6:18 a.m :

Choosing that as “artifact” is a good move afterall.I thought it’s irrelevant to the other kingdoms. I don’t know how to explain this malong . I really don’t care alot on G.E’s unless the requirement involves documentation (ex.videos,short films).Dun lang naman ako interesado.Reporting?Meh.I got 9 minutes to blog this morning.I thought of bringing lappy today.So I can write whatever I find interesting.But it’s raining.

Today is Day 1 of the first “hell” week.I should stop saying that I should start studying.I’ll just study. I woke up 5am.Alarm has been ringing since 4 in the morning.This is how things goes during these weeks.You sleep late,you wake up early.You try to sleep early,you fail.No one sleeps early with a cluttered mind and loads of paper work and other academic-related stuff…But Hey!I do. =)) I sleep around 5:30 pm and wake up at 7.Work til 1am and sleep and wake up at 5.

Sometimes lang naman. Make proper use of your time today.To be continued. Paused @ 6:27am.

 

 

 

Hijacked by Amygdala

Yes,Im having coffee right now.Not the best thing to do but i feel like drinking coffee.Im just waiting for 1pm.If people dont show up well I guess I have to rush things on my own.:| Yea,or..basta.They will show up.They must. Im having probs with the freshman.So anyway,I’ll just do what I can do now and worry later if ever a problem arise.Im having breakfast.Bread and coffee.Then later i’ll go out we need to do the technical paper in physics.Fail experiment so we need to change the content of the paper.Lol.

For some reason,I feel like Im in a movie.My life…. is like a movie.Kulang na lang official soundtrack. Things that I never thought would happen already happened and are currently happening. Some good,some bad,but they turn out to be good in the end. It feels like..an adventure. Collecting memories.I have the best collection of memories.That’s relative but yes,I have pretty good memories.

…And currently making more memories.If I experience a natural death,these are the memories that I want to reminisce on my death bed.

Guess what?My Prefrontal cortex is now totally hijacked by amygdala.

I never thought that this “hijacking” will happen again,this soon.Such things really happen when you least expect it.It feels…great.Im trying to put this in the scientific context.For it to not look gay and cheesy.This definitely deserves a spot in this blogsite.

Rants of a College Student

Last 2 weeks of class.I need to put myself together.I’ve been all over the place lately.Studying but that’s not even how I seriously study.The aftermath of the exam.I didn’t want to talk about it with my classmates,remember the last post,I ran away after the exam.But not until I realized that my C2 epimer of L-glucose is wrong.That thing,it ruined everything :|.Oh well,maybe the exemption goal is ruined.Haha,again don’t think about the grade,think about the knowledge you gained from that.The best thing about failing is striving to understand what made you fail.So yey.(No score yet.3.00?That’s magic.)

Messy room and a Mountain of clothes.It’s not messy but for me this is messy and it’s hard to live when you’re running out of clothes.Wasn’t eating dinner for two nights.Trying to save money.Dont want to tell mom that Im out of money again.I have 400php for the weekend.But then she called,asked me how much the ticket was and said “Kawawa ka naman dyan,magpapadala kami bukas.” and true enough they sent me 2000php.I dont know how long this will last.Well first,I have no choice but to send my clothes to the laundry shop which will cost more or less 150php.I hope I get them back..”alive”.Pay the downpayment for the dorm which is 250 php.That leaves me with 1600.Hmm…

I dont think that I deserve a reward to my self.I occasionally reward myself whenever I do good with exams.Lol.And…meh.I was sloppy with the exams lately.That Kas 2 shiz! 😐 I hate history.No score in thermo yet.The paranoia is eating my hope.But maybe,just maybe,I’ll go to the mall later and find something interesting to buy.Something cheap but useful.I’ll die next week.A week of sleepless nights.A week of energy drinks and coffee.A week of 2-hour naps everyday.A week of over-eating.A week of shitty mood when triggered.They call it hell week.It’s time to study seriously.SERIOUSLY. I’m ending this sem with passing grades.I’ve been talking a lot about grades lately.I dont know,it is important for now.Tho in reality I dont believe in the power of grades to change my future.My future?Haha I see myself dressing up mannequins in a boutique.Where’s the chemistry in that?

So what to do today and tomorrow:

• Run through the handouts,finalize,get them printed.
• Find a costume (stupid costume -.-,it was my idea.You marylie!!!!)
• Do Abstract and Conclusion,physics TP.
• Send ppt to groups.
• Study biochem.

So far that’s all,but when tuesday strikes…Ayan na.Dun dun dun dun.LOL.LOOOOOL.LAUGHING OUT LOUD LOUDLY LOUD LOUD.I dont know if I could still laugh on the days to come.I’ll jog tonight,maybe.If it doesnt rain.

Must forget past failures.Dont focus on your failures,focus on what lies ahead.Anjan na sila. :)))

Running out of sketchpad.I want a nice pencil.Haha,I never thought I can draw like this.I want to paint.Paint is expensive. I want to write.Something with sense.Something coherent. Tsaka na muna yan.

I wanna do one thing.I want my hair black.Or dark brown.Anything dark. 😐 But no.Not until it grows.

So now,I’ll start working.Work work.I wanna play starcraft again.Also marylie,stop overthinking.

Things are clearer now.

Going to trinomnom to buy grocery goods.Dapat 11:30 nakaalis na ko dito.:| I want bread and cheese and chocolates and more food.I’ll be back by 3pm.

Sunset

I might watch the sunset today.I hope I could watch it and just stay at the sea-side, sitting, thinking, pondering.

How’s Project 11th so far?It’s pretty tough.Really.But I can see that there’s progress.

And i choose to keep some things to myself.

If only it’s safe to go there alone.I’ll go there alone and go home alone.

I want my sunset today.Just this sunset and my day is complete.

It’s always nice to listen to old songs.

Project 11th.

Starts today.11:27pm.

This is gonna be tough.The details and objectives of this project will be kept secret.

 

 

 

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Anti-parallel

G’morning…I still dont feel like the old jolly marylie who tells all her stories.I’m not depressed,I feel neutral or Im not feeling anything.Ok,but i’ll try saying something.Atleast here.

Well,yesterday,the exam ended around 7:45 pm,I ran away from people.I literally ran away.With my hands covering my ears.I dont want to hear people talking about the answers.All I know is I did my best out there.It felt like doing my best,even if I dont know everything,amazingly,I managed to stay calm during the exam.And just answer what I know.Drawing the double helix with the H-bonds is the hardest .It’s huge.So I just went to the org to pick up the chairs.And I went out and stayed in my spot.But after a few minutes…it rained.And I didnt open my umbrella immediately.I was feeling the strong wind and the droplets of rain on my skin.Relaxing…and I even saw how the clouds move during such storm.They form and they move fast.And the lightning…”Gumuguhit” sa sky 😐 and the kulog is sooo loud.

Then I went back to the dorm around 9pm.But then,..yea…idk what I did last night.

I have two extreme sides…one who talks a lot and the other who doesnt want to share anything to anyone.The one who prefers silence.I wasnt able to wake up at 4:30 to do my presentation…it’s tomorrow

so maybe..i’ll use my free time.And the exam in thermo…i think it’ll be given later.I want to know it today…to assess my chances of getting exempted…i need a total grade of 80/85% in thermo….that’s a bit high,dunno if i can do that..first exam is 95%…but my second exam is…horrible.in biochem,,,if I get atleast 67%…im exempted..well I hope so.Gusto ko na talaga magbawas ng loads that’s why i must aim for exemption.

Im not sure whether the usual me is back,yes im telling you stories right now but something is missing…i only have 30 minutes left for my first class…Physics,last lab meeting today..Last.Yey.

Also,I’m starting to not believe in my dreams.I had dreams lately,but maybe they’re just really a product of my subconscious now…or not,im aware of them…but my dreams and the things that are happening,they dont coincide.I dont know whether they will.Two infinitely long parallel lines.

So today,you try to smile marylie.Even if you feel “neutral”.Lots of things to be thankful for.Just trust Him.

Meatloaf

Im ending this day with this last bite of meatloaf.I did everything that i blogged a while ago.But no tears.I cant cry anymore.Mas painful pala pag di nalabas ah.Ironic.

Yey maybe?Uhh yey.Thank You God for everything that happened today.

So the day ends…going back to two-vertical-sticks-th.

 

 

 

STAY

I cant leave this blogsite. 😐 The new blogsite was well so far,messy and very personal…and im not really comfortable blogging there.So,,,i’ll just stay here.

di na ko umaasa na papasa pa ko mamaya…well my case isnt the worst.some really fell asleep without studying anything i still have 7 hours to review…so maybe i’ll just calm down,do what i can accomplish in that 7 hours and just pretend that this day didnt come afterwards…and maybe just stay in sunken garden til midnight.and just go to sleep pagbalik sa dorm…i just hope na hindi umulan…i really need to stay there…dun lang ako nakakapag free ng mind ko,maraming ginagawa lately at marami pang gagawin next week…as in…:| sobra.

And i’ll just shut up…when my mind is this cluttered….my ability to say something that makes sense disappears…and everything that will come out of my mouth will just be a bunch of negative words,negative thoughts and negative situations…well i was avoiding the feeling of being sad lately,whenever i encounter something that makes me sad i will only be sad for almost 10 minutes and i’ll just joke about it.laugh about it.now i want to feel the sadness,i want to cry,a real cry,i want to feel that i am weak and to stop forcing myself to be strong when i have nothing left…with nothing left i meant pag…burnt out na talaga at ubos na ung lakas ko…im burnt out…i am tired.not just physically tired…

Now i want to cry …but who cries in a library? many already did…makikiisa ba ko?i dont know….hmm this time no one will understand how this feels,no person will…@_@ kung pwede lang lumubog sa lupa for a day…*knocks on wood…pero wag naman sana…I want an escape…a sleep.it’s not an escape,the only way for me to escape is to face everything……..T_T OA kung OA but i really feel down today…. 😐 well,i havent failed an exam so far…and i dont want to…and while i was in the shower room natulala na naman ako ,thinking what could have happened if i did what i really wanted to do from the very start,…will i feel this tired?will i be this weary?and naexcite na naman ako dahil naisipan ko na namang humanap ng something related to it…before i tried looking for a job…tried submitting my designs to websites who are looking for designers…but unfortunately i think they already stopped manufacturing dresses,so the blogsite went inactive…so,i even tried e-mailing an online fashion magazine…i received a response…so basically im going to blog something fashion-related and submit my article to them but then i got lazy…. T_T yes,when i got the opportunity i let it flew away……….no,i flew away…and now here it is again…I need a twist in my life..something..something great…and so what i wanted a while ago is to just go in a coffee shop after the exam,with my sketch pad and pencil,and just draw whatever i have in mind while having a good cup of coffee…but then nagabono ako ng 300 php today…emergency and i had no choice but to lend my money…and idk when i’ll get it back…:| if they cant return the chairs at 5pm ,idk when…idk…again,im broke…I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO…

But ,i know,You wont let me drown in this sadness…whatever im saying right now is just a form of release…I need to feel it so that I wont drown in it…i want to feel it…i dont want to hide anymore…and after 10 minutes i will go back to studying…and drink the last drop of this calamansi juice…go to the formal interview before going to the exam…take the exam…forget the exam…go to the spot…look at the sky…and talk to You.Thank You for letting these things happen.I mean it,I didnt fail on anything yet in this sem…so something like this is good…it will renew me..it will..i like to see it that way…true happiness comes right after falling in a deep trench…trenches are deep…im just emphasizing how deep it is…it is cliche,but cliche are cliches because they’re proven and tested…cliches…maybe they’re not bad after all.

and yea…today is the deadline for the payment of the dorm…and ..just where will i find money?

i hope they extend or else… and i hope the chairs wont get lost or i will not get my money back.. and i hope to pass the exam…a 55% will make me feel like i got uno…and my dream…i hope i can do it someday…and i wish for this feeling,this frustration to go away,and….i hope i can find an oppurtunity 😐 itching to find one now…really…i’ve been dormant..10 minutes have passed..

with my last grain of hope in passing…i say,BIOCHEM BRING IT ON!!!!!!

 

 

 

BYE.

Im leaving this blogsite.

HEY ANDREI

Andrei,I need a job.But how?

 

and…yes.im doing what i told you.that day in the grocery store.it’ll be back.

Something to blog about.

It’s been a while.I should study biochem today.My schedule so far:

Sept 15-KaSciyahan cheerdance

Sept 17-Chem 145 Exam

Sept 19-Report and Presentation of paper in Archaeo2

Sept 25-Kas 2 Exam

Sept 27-Artifact Presentation/Report

October 2-Physics lab practicals

October 4-Math 121.1 Exam

October 5-Archaeo2 exam

October 6-Chem 153 Exam

October 8-Chem145 Exam

And I want this schedule to end there.There are exemptions on the major subjects.So goal is to be exempted. Wah tho i messed up in chem 153’s 2nd exam @_@ i hope my first exam grade can pull that.Not even sure if i passed.No results yet.But I’m hoping,nothing wrong with that.

So….now I know the reason why I was so grumpy and irritated yesterday because it is “that” time of the month.Most annoying thing ever.Bad thing is when it comes my body usually gives me signs but now,no signs,except for my very bad mood,or am i just too tired to notice the signs?And it’s a bit early for it to come.Yes,Im blogging bout it cuz it woke me up T_T I was having the sleep of my life.

And my head still hurts.Right side near the temple. Frontal part of the skull.Ayoko maparanoid.No.

Thank You God for making a way,for giving me a chance to be patient.I remember what my friend told me”When you ask for patience He will not give you patience right away,but He will make a way and give you a chance to be patient.” And now I understand her point.

I should start working around 7:40 am,might as well use my break time to study.Yes,now I have the drive to study,thank You.I need to pass, ._. and the topics for the exam on monday are…Hard. Hmm my exam grades are okay tho im not sure if they’re good enough for me to get exempted .Lol i wont risk taking the finals,tho finals are usually easy i want to be free on the week after that and maybe treat myself somewhere. I want good food and more good food.I also want to do what I love doing,the artsy stuff .Huhu,now I hate the rain.It’s raining again…

Time is running fast…Nakakagulat ,first sem will end on October 8,but for me it will end October 5.Then second sem,then ojt,then 4th year,then thesis,…graduate?Haha.It’s nice to look forward on those things but for now I’m living the present and even if things are a bit hard for me,amusingly…it’s the first time that I found fun in the things that I do…even if Im just compelled to do them,or doing it for another cause apart from my interest .It’s fun. Masakit nga lang sa ulo magisip ng thesis topic.People are starting to plan for their thesis but here I am,meh :)) chill muna.Others are even finding ways to please their prospect thesis advisers.Haha,yea and I cant help but laugh on myself for not caring.What matters now is for me to know which field Im really into.Tho everyone knows that I HATE Chem.For all the right reasons. Hahaha.Just kidding but Im not really good at it.I’m thinking of Nat Prod,probably because I can see that it’s the “easiest” (not so easy,not even easy) field na madaling isipan ng thesis topic.But somehow….gusto ko rin ng imba na thesis,wah i was once into electrochem because of that almost-highest-in-exam moment (until someone went in front and told the prof that he has a correction which placed me to the 2nd spot) Hmm…polymer science is interesting but when i hear the word polymer i imagine textiles @_@ is that even correct?I want to do a thesis which is related to textiles ,why?because of my love for clothes. :)) But never in my life did i dream of analyzing clothing materials in a molecular level….so..nerdy. And the company where I want to do my OJT is in Laguna,I dont want to stay there over the summer…for one reason,it’s laguna.Yes it’s a new experience,yes it’s new…it’s just…no I cant. and it’s far from home,5 hours.And the cost of living is high.And I dont want to literally live alone. I’m also considering something genetics-related.So that’s  biochem…but the DNA is overly complicated.I can’t even endure a 1 and a half class tackling that topic.naisip ko lang maybe if i focus on it alone,i might understand it,hindi ung minamadaling inaaral sa class room….what im doing now is finding something to begin with…i dont want to get lost along the way and question myself why on earth am i doing something that i dont like…not again.

and I want to graduate on time,get a job kahit di pa licensed chemist.One year after pa ng grad ang exam.But….haha,just let things happen marylie.And get ready for another surprise in your life.

….and my head hurts so bad…maybe im just hungry.I hope eating will help.and the rashes are back …for two consecutive days,im fine with that.just please dont come back again tomorrow…if it does then something’s wrong.

SIGH.

Sigh,

One big sigh.

Sigh sigh sigh….

….

 

 

 

Black Heart

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