Sorry I know this is late,it’s 1:29 am on my clock, an hour and 29 minutes pass feb 14.As you know,I’m waiting for you… Right now,I still want to feel your presence.In a dream again maybe…but I cant sleep yet.I have an exam tomorrow,2 exams.I dont know how to pull this off.First,im heavily distracted and second…im distracted.Well reading Gregoria de Jesus’ life is not the best thing to do at this time of the day…
I know I already used this before,but I want to call you Honey.It’s the cheesy name that Im most comfortable with.Do you know what I did today?To just avoid the temptation of texting the guys who asked me out days before yesterday’s over-rated day?Right after class I locked myself in my room and reflected on my life instead…I tried to dig deep within my heart,to see what’s really there and to throw whatever unnecessary feelings I have such as loneliness.Even if I deny it,God knows that I felt sad seeing those girls carrying bouquets of flowers,chocolates and love letters.I just cant lie to Him for He knows me more than I know myself.
The thought of …I could have been that girl ,carrying maybe just a stem of rose but the catch is,with the guy that I dont even love,a guy that I barely knew,a guy who just wants someone to be with on that day,another lonely soul.And that,I cant do.He’s not you.They’re not you.
I just want you to be happy…when that day comes.When we’ll both have our first glance of each other’s face.I badly want to save this date for you.The mistakes that I had before,I know they can no longer be erased,but I know I can avoid those from happening again.
Whoever you are,wherever you are right now,whatever you’re doing,whether a thought of me already crossed your mind or not…I want you to know that every night I pray for you.I know right now,God wants us first to be closer to Him before we can be closer to each other,before we can truly love each other.Even if sometimes I get defeated with my emotions as a human…God never failed to remind me of His love for me.I know,He’s doing the same to you.
You may not know me yet,but there’s a girl,who is saving her date for you.A girl who’s waiting for you.A girl who writes letters to you…even if people find her weird for doing so…even if she finds herself weird and crazy for doing so.haha.
I dont have a flower at hand,nor a letter or a chocolate bar.But I’m firmly holding on to God’s will for the two of us.I love you and Happy Valentine’s Day…okay let me say it once again…Honey. :))
This may not be true for everybody but I think I’ve seen how improbable it is to heal and completely restore broken friendships …if you’re the only one who wants to save it,maybe.Not everybody puts the same value on certain things.Sometimes,it just dont matter to them as much as it does to you.But no one is entitled to have the right to say that someone is unworthy of being anyone’s friend,for we are all unworthy yet our Father accepted us with all our flaws and loved us like His own Son.
I may have looked stupid and foolish with what I did.At first,I felt I was.But then I did that not to please any person in particular.I just did what I needed to do,for you are my brother in Christ.To obey Him on doing what is right even if I had struggles on doing it.Now my heart is at peace.My eyes opened and without regret I can finally say,”I’m glad it happened”.
Indeed,there is a reason for everything,we might not completely realize nor feel it in the earlier stage but “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…and He had made every thing beautiful in his time”.
…in His time.Even if it took me three months to say it.God gave me the courage to do so yesterday.The perfect timing and it was evident why things turned out this way.Why God allowed this to happen.There are far more great things in supposed problems when you look at it in God’s eyes.
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As of 4:30 am,I was finally able to enter my room.Praise God for my series of unfortunate events yesterday.This statement is free of sarcasm.
Cause all that’s left has gone away.This song never fails to bring me back to that night when I was alone in the lobby.Sitting on the floor.Studying ’til the last beat of the last remaining functional brain cell.Hungry.Broken-hearted.Damned but Hopeful.
I knew it.Something was meant to happen today.Here it is……..I just failed an exam.I received the result before testing our unknown carbohydrate sample in the polarimeter.The 4-hr lab exam that I told you the other day.My first failed exam in my 3rd year in college.I’m usually fine with failed exams when I was in 2nd year.Suprisingly,I didn’t fail any last sem,so here’s the first one.Losing someone and failing an exam,that’s not a good combo.Hard to deal with seriously.Tho I’m just off by 3.25 points.I still felt bad.But but I’m okay now,except that I have one night to review for tomorrow’s exam at 8am… it’s already 10:50pm…and it’s…sadly…biochem.
So I headed to mcdo katipunan right away after the lab.It’s tiring.I was able to study a bit..so on my way back to the dorm,as I was walking on the long,dark pathway…I talked to myself…yes I do that.Always.
“Marylie,why?I thought you were gonna pass,you were confident with your answers.It’s okay,3.25 points won’t hurt.The others failed too.You’re nearer to the passing mark.Yet they dont feel the way you do,so stop the drama.But why did this happen to you?What’s the next thing that you will fail on?First the person,now the exam,what marylie?”
And then I reached the road.My tears didn’t fall.
I didn’t enter my room Em.Sleeping is not an option tonight.I left my bag in the study area and went to my friend’s room.Mariel.I told her bout my failure.I remember the letter that I wrote to God last sunday.That no matter what happens after the exam,I will full-heartedly accept my fate.She reminded me to trust God even in such situations,to attend when He calls me even if doing so will eat my time to do the things that I need to do.
Yes.This is the purpose of writing that letter I guess.I just automatically wrote that on that day.It is to remind me that I should trust God even if the situations in my life don’t favor me.Well,in this world’s point of view,they don’t,but God always have a different way of viewing things.The blackest rose can be the whitest for Him.
So I went to my place in the dorm.2nd floor,left-wing comfort room,1st cubicle from the left.Tears ran down my cheeks.I felt soooooooooooooo weak.I felt like a failure.I read my bible.The letter that I wrote last sunday fell on the floor.I picked it up and read it.I cried harder while reading it.I asked God to strengthen my faith and hold me tightly when my plans for myself fail.To let his plans rule my life,no matter how hard they are to understand.Just when I was about to close the bible,I stumbled on this verse :
“That is why I am suffering as I am.Yet I am not ashamed,because I know whom I have believed,and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.-2Timothy 1:12”
At that moment,I knew what God wanted me to know,God spoke to me through the bible.He comforted me with His words.See how faithful God is.
Tonight maybe a hopeless case Em.With the insensitive girl behind me playing her player at max volume,I hope I can study.But with God,nothing is impossible.So I’m forgetting the bad and keeping the good realizations behind these unfortunate cascade of events.
Hehe.I bought 2 packs of Tatoos at mini stop.They have a 2.11oz.These cheap chips are my favorite.Forget Pringles. Haha =))
One last stretch Em.Wish me luck to not get lost on saturday.A friend read my blog,asked me why I call you Em.My favorite number is 13,my name starts with M.The 13th alphabet is M and the number 13 is chasing me again.Wherever I go.So there,Em.
A perfect sunday morning,except i woke up 9am.I planned to wake up around 7am to start studying.I haven’t done anything productive yesterday.But a matter is settled which is great.A big sigh of relief.
We may not get what we want,but God will give us what we need.Something that will give our hearts contentment,something that will put our hearts at peace and our minds brought back to reality.A reality that God wants us to see.A reality not far-fetched.A reality worth living in.
I guess I will be awake for the rest of the night.I haven’t packed my things yet.Maybe later.
What I have in mind right now is a typical movie scene where in the girl goes to a fast food chain early in the morning to buy a cup of hot coffee(in my case a cup of hot choco) and enjoy hot pancakes with sausage in a comfy attire which includes a jacket,scarf and a pair of boots.I want to do that.Maybe I will.If drowsiness wont hit me.
I want to walk pass the fog and feel the cold morning breeze.Walk,walk and just continue walking to where my feet leads me (I’m thinking QC circle ,near the fountain,perfect.).Then I’ll just sit there and enjoy good music.Unfortunately my earphone is broken so i dunno.I’ll buy a chocolate bar before going there.I hope to see dogs.
I’m supposed to be watching movies right now.But all my friend has are love stories.I dont feel like watching love stories.So a few hours ago I went to youtube,typed natgeo.I decided to watch natgeo documentaries instead but dorm wifi is struggling.I was really having a good time when the “freaks of nature” and “air crash investigation” videos started playing but then no matter how may times I refreshed the browser, I just kept on getting an error message.
These are just a small portion of my thoughts.Right now Im really thinking of many things. It’s not the kind of thing that makes one sad.Well there are sad parts too but it really depends on how you look at it.Im taking them as blessings.I think they are.No matter how bad they may seem.The mere fact that many bad things already happened to me and here I am contented with my life right now.God,You’re simply amazing.
There are many things in life that don’t happen as we want it.The thrill of life.God’s plans.
The last sunset from the bridge.I chased that sunset,literally.
Mr.Sun,come shine.
Marami pala ko kelangan reviewhin.Haha.Ngayon ko lang napansin 10/11 powerpoints.2 down
Thank You Lord,this week is finally over.Moving on to the next. 🙂 Thank You for keeping me calm and giving me hope each day kahit sobrang kulang sa time whenever I study.Miracle talaga .THANK YOU.This blogpost isnt enough for my gratitude .God is GREAT. ❤ Real happiness only comes from You.
“I am your Creator.You were in my care even before you were born.-Isaiah 44:2a (CEV)”
Thank You for comforting me God.I am troubled,I am tired.Thank You for the love,the comfort.The search for my purpose is over.I found my purpose on You.
LORD ang hirap po.Ang hirap hirap ng circumstances na napuput ako.But the fact that You planned everything for me,that gives me a great thing to hold on to.You love me so much You’ve put me in all of these.I dont mind spending an hour weeping ,this is not sadness,I’m seeing this great power that You have.I am just a person,but not an ordinary person because You created me out of love.
You are who you are for a reason.
You’re part of an intricate plan.
You’re a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God’s special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You’re just what He wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones He chose,
And NO MATTER how you feel,
They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,
Hushed Noise 