In a typical sunday night,she found herself writing in a coffee shop nearby.For a moment,her world froze.The only thing she heard was the repeated crushing of ice in the blender,the waitress calling random names,murmurs that made no sense,and a slow thumping within her.She sat in a corner,the yellow light above her head reflected her golden hair.Her big glasses hid her eyes from passers by.She wore a red lipstick to cover her pale lips.She sat as if her problems have left,deep inside trying to pretend that her life was like that of the movies.
“One Venti Dark Mocha Frappucino for Rile!”,the voice echoed and brought her back to reality.She stood and redeemed her coffee.She haven’t tasted any coffee for the past weeks…months.Atleast a coffee from a coffee shop.She just never had time and money to do so.She went back to her seat and marveled at the yellow lights placed beside the cashier.She adored yellow lights.The yellow lights never failed to trigger nostalgia.
She remembered,tip-toeing on small cylindrical stones.Walking on them as if they were pieces of a wooden bridge.The wind gently dashed across her white dress.The yellow lights lined up with the stones.The yellow lights casted a shadow of her and the man that she once loved.The yellow lights witnessed her smiles,lit up her face.That moment preserved in a small figment of time.It had passed.
She remembered,lying on the grass.Isolating herself from people the way she always did.She went back to the time when the perfect silhoutte of leaves from her favorite tree was enough to make her grin.When the infinite sky made her believe on infinite dreams and possibilities.When counting airplanes and fireflies was enough to kill her time.When the yellow lights from lamps and cars were the only ones who lit up her dark nights.
Memories rushed in her head.Like the raging waves of a restless sea.She felt restless herself.Torn between entertaining her sadness or not.She always hated the power of emotion to manipulate the entity of its origin.This time she was vocal regarding her feelings.She have learned that a human can only keep up with it on his or her own for a short span of time.Aware of the fact that this could bring nothing but sheer contentment on her sense of humanity and nothing else,she risked on letting the people around her know what she felt.Trying to connect on the least possible way that she knows.At the end of the day,she was right about it.
Words meant nothing to her.She had a hard time understanding her self and what she felt at that moment.Everything she believed went at the back of her head and she had a hard time getting to where it is.In the cold nights she asked.In the warm days,she waited.Her impatience pushed her to the edge of the cliff that she thought she once abandoned.Afraid that a short breathe could possibly cause her to fall,she strived to run away.But,with every attempt,she was dragged back to the edge.
She asked herself,whether she have really lived her life.Her disappointments were nothing compared to the stigma left by sin in the world that she lives in.The stigma that converts back to wounds with every pain that each inflicts on people.The wound that bleeds with every doubt.Regardless of everything that have happened to her.Regardless of the changes in her life.She can’t change the way she was created.An introverted being with a mind that screams words beyond her silence.She was able to keep up with it for 19 years…possibly she still need to in her lifetime.It was always hard for her to converse with people,regarding her feelings.There were days that she wanted the words to come out of her lips and create a flesh of her pain.Unfortunately,she always end up with this.
Solitude.There came a day where solitude was no longer a mere time alone.People will fail to understand,even she failed to understand herself.It was in solitude that someone made her understand.In solitude she tried to run away.In solitude she cried.Cried tears that no one saw.But these tears were felt by two.All this time she thought she cried alone.Just when she thought that her walls stood sky high that no one can climb across it,the heavens revealed that it was always higher than the sky.
She is me and He cried with me.I know I am not in the best state to say anything good…to everyone…even to Him.He is with me.He is continuously showing me how He can sustain the things that I care about the most even if I am busy trying to understand what I am into.He even gave my dad a birthday gift.He made everyone in the family happy.I will have my time.All I want right now is to love Him the way He loves me.I dont want to settle on knowing that I should love Him regardless of my circumstances.This time I want to feel.Feelings can excede the contentment brought by knowing.The way we value things usually comes with different degrees brought by varying intensities of feelings.Though feeling can sometimes be fleeting,loving will always be forever.It’s the only feeling that lasts.These tears,though invisible,are as true as You.(Who cries in a coffee shop?)
It’s time to start again.Tomorrow,I’ll wake up on a different morning.
Hushed Noise 