To the man I love.

Dear ……,

Sorry I know this is late,it’s 1:29 am on my clock, an hour and 29 minutes pass feb 14.As you know,I’m waiting for you… Right now,I still want to feel your presence.In a dream again maybe…but I cant sleep yet.I have an exam tomorrow,2 exams.I dont know how to pull this off.First,im heavily distracted and second…im distracted.Well reading Gregoria de Jesus’ life  is not the best thing to do at this time of the day…

I know I already used this before,but I want to call you Honey.It’s the cheesy name that Im most comfortable with.Do you know what I did today?To just avoid the temptation of texting the guys who asked me out days before yesterday’s over-rated day?Right after class I locked myself in my room and reflected on my life instead…I tried to dig deep within my heart,to see what’s really there and to throw whatever unnecessary feelings I have such as loneliness.Even if I deny it,God knows that I felt sad seeing those girls carrying bouquets of flowers,chocolates and love letters.I just cant lie to Him for He knows me more than I know myself.

The thought of …I could have been that girl ,carrying maybe just a stem of rose but the catch is,with the guy that I dont even love,a guy that I barely knew,a guy who just wants someone to be with on that day,another lonely soul.And that,I cant do.He’s not you.They’re not you.

I just want you to be happy…when that day comes.When we’ll both have our first glance of each other’s face.I badly want  to save this date for you.The mistakes that I had before,I know they can no longer be erased,but I know I can avoid those from happening again.

Whoever you are,wherever you are right now,whatever you’re doing,whether a thought of me already crossed your mind or not…I want you to know that every night I pray for you.I know right now,God wants us first to be closer to Him before we can be closer to each other,before we can truly love each other.Even if sometimes I get defeated with my emotions as a human…God never failed to remind me of His love for me.I know,He’s doing the same to you.

You may not know me yet,but there’s a girl,who is saving her date for you.A girl who’s waiting for you.A girl who writes letters to you…even if people find her weird for doing so…even if she finds herself weird and crazy for doing so.haha.

I dont have a flower at hand,nor a letter or a chocolate bar.But I’m firmly holding on to God’s will for the two of us.I love you and Happy Valentine’s Day…okay let me say it once again…Honey. :))

Love,

Marylie

Nothing Can Compare

The tears won’t just come out right now.But my heart is crying out of joy.

What else can be better than waking up in the morning,with a migraine,just when you thought that you have nothing else to give,nothing left,your body drained,your vision spinning,your report unfinished and all of sudden God comes in and tells you “Do not worry”.

I still cant fathom how He does that.How loving He is,despite of the wrong things that I did yesterday.How repentance is enough.I feel far from Him whenever I sin,I get scared of myself,how bad I could be…but He’s always there to carry me whenever I’m not strong enough to walk with Him,whenever sin injures a part of me .Thank You God.I’m sorry for what I did…

Thank You for telling me not to worry.I still have 3 hours left.It is possible.This day will end without me worrying bout tomorrow.Even if tomorrow appears to be more toxic than today.It’s all in my head.

“But seek first His kingdom and righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,for tomorrow will worry about itself.Each day has enough troubles of its own.”-Matthew 6:33-34

I’m grateful to be Your daughter.I’m still a work in progress.

A sigh…of relief.

This may not be true for everybody but I think I’ve seen how improbable it is to heal and completely restore broken friendships …if you’re the only one who wants to save it,maybe.Not everybody puts the same value on certain things.Sometimes,it just dont matter to them as much as it does to you.But no one is entitled to have the right to say that someone is unworthy of being anyone’s friend,for we are all unworthy yet our Father accepted us with all our flaws and loved us like His own Son.

I may have looked stupid and foolish with what I did.At first,I felt I was.But then I did that not to please any person in particular.I just did what I needed to do,for you are my brother in Christ.To obey Him on doing what is right even if I had struggles on doing it.Now my heart is at peace.My eyes opened and without regret I can finally say,”I’m glad it happened”.

Indeed,there is a reason for everything,we might not completely realize nor feel it in the earlier stage but “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…and He had made every thing beautiful in his time”.

…in His time.Even if it took me three months to say it.God gave me the courage to do so yesterday.The perfect timing and it was evident why things turned out this way.Why God allowed this to happen.There are far more great things in supposed problems when you look at it in God’s eyes.

——-

As of 4:30 am,I was finally able to enter my room.Praise God for my series of unfortunate events yesterday.This statement is free of sarcasm.

Just because…

Each passing day slides into the thread of my memories

What once was painful,now a possession to treasure

The beauty that remained,dreams that took us away

Each carefully carved in my consciousness, but in the past they will stay.

Despite all the hiding,the truth has surfaced,

All the tears the truth has replaced,

A love everlasting,a love that is undoubtedly true

Maybe not for you,but until now I still do.

——————————————————————————————–

         The anchor may have sank but the boat remained floating.Stuck  in the middle of the sea until the anchor is pulled back.One day,I’m still hoping for that one day,when I can say those three words in past tense…because just like you,I  now understood why us is “wrong”.

“Just because lips have met doesn’t mean hearts have joined.”-J.Harris

Buhay UP

Feel ko lang ititle to.

Even if I know that some students out there are experiencing the same thing.

Also,there’s a reason for the closing and the re-opening of the blogsite.I’ve finally done  what I needed to do for myself,to forgive.And things were made clear to me by God.

And many things have happened that proved to me that nothing is impossible with God.Not that I needed proof,but He gave me hope in my seemingly hopeless and  tiring situations.

• The exam that I blogged about last year,the one that I failed…as soon as class resumed I got my paper back and to my surprise there were so many  corrections which I haven’t seen last year,so originally my score was 82.5 which sky-rocketed to  91.75,the passing  score is  90 so I passed.But only 7 of us passed in the class…I hope the next exam is not as hard as the first…I dont want to have a 4-hour exam again.
• The other exam where I only reviewed for 1 night…biochem  (*cries) 😐 I’m just so slow with biochem…luckily I passed..still.. despite the time constraint.Pero my reasonings in the exam were still pure of kasabawan.I learned from this that I shouldn’t complicate things,my explanations should be straight  forward because I might mislead the reactions…When you come to think of it,it applies in real life.Brief and precise mylie.
• And my youngest sister was already born…we were having a financial problem lately ,CS pa diniliver yung baby which required a more expensive hospital bill.Luckily the expenses were cut down from almost 30+k to 17k,which is considerably a much cheaper price for a Cesarean birth operation.Heeeh and she’s so cute I can die from her cuteness,her name is Maree Ashlie.I even went home after class hours and went back to UP the  next day just to see her.
• Just two days ago,I decided to drop the PE again and  just yesterday a classmate told me that there’s still round 2 for the volleyball games.A sum of 24 games I think for both men and women.Phew…Schedules mylie.

I thank God for indirectly answering my questions  and for resetting my priorities.For intervening with the random  things that I do and answering my questions and prayers right there and there.

I finally had  something to look forward to,much more than passing every exam.I need to do this and get through all of this for my family.I had a slightly serious conversation with my dad over facebook when I asked him to start arranging the papers for my tuition ( every sem I get 70% off from the original tuition in UP due to STFAP,bloody papers).

For the past three years we always end up having a childish fight over these papers because they are really,i say really,stressful.So I told him na gragraduate din ako.Na isang taon na lang.Na last na to.And he said “Oo naman,ngayon pa ba ko susuko?”,it’s touching…My dad never gave up on me ,so I shouldn’t as well.Even when people told him that he can’t get me  through  college. for he is just merely a tricycle driver.Even if people believed that he can’t  support my college education here in UP.=_=Well people,my dad isn’t an ordinary tricycle driver then. 😛 A dream remains a dream until we  act on it.My dad  did,so here I am now,hoping to graduate next school year.I need…diligence.

I actually planned to write an entry again because I can no longer take it.Im reviewing for two exams tomorrow.Physical chemistry and Quantum Mechanics.And due to this …Im starting to lose hope because my brain is gradually slowing down and its receptivity is starting to shut off.I’m the type of person who reviews with not just memorized equations,specially with these two because they will be really  useful for my chosen field,much of the former I guess…but  I strangely find both interesting but there’s so little time for my brain to digest all the information..So yes,I’m starting to give up.I miss a decent sleep.I haven’t had one ever since class resumed .Oh,,.not even one a week before the class resumed.

Maybe after  writing this I can review properly again.Hopefully.I just needed to release this anxiety and count the blessings that I have in order for me to  see beyond the negativity of  this situation and much more,to put my trust on God,to accept whatever happens right after,to be  always thankful for the good and the bad times.Phew.I cant give up on this.

I’m excited  for that  day…when i’ll be looking back,reading everything that I’ve written here during my stay in college.Just one more year and my sleepless nights will just reside in my memory.I know,when everything is over,I will surely miss college.All these experiences that God wanted me to experience to make  me live the life that He wanted for me.To start living the  life that He wanted for me.To die from my old self,my old ways…

Haha.Alam ko naman po pinupush Niyo lang ako e.Maski ako,dama ko ung sobrang katamaran ko minsan(or kadalasan?) na kelangan pa talaga ng sobrang pressre to get me start doing things.Oh Mylie.

Now I’m gonna study because I’m curious and I want to learn.Not solely for the purpose of passing the exam.

Thank You God.Pero,I didn’t see all of these coming :)) Yes,surprising as always.

You and Your Perfect Timing

Today, Mylie, we believe God wants you to know that …

when you feel down, look at yourself through God’s eyes.

There are times when no matter how hard you try, you just cannot accept yourself as you are. During such times, think of how you look to God’s eyes. In God’s eyes, there is no judgment, there is only acceptance. God sees your light when all that you can see are your shadows. God loves you more than anyone could ever love you as you really are.-thatfbapp

Talk about timing…You’re using all the possible means to reach me.To remind me how much You love me and how much You care.You always know where to find me.I was shocked last night with how you used a person to tell me what you want me to know in the most unlikely place.

Princess, remember that a blessing is on its way. God is about to give you back two fold for every tear that was shed and every regret that comes to your mind.

Thank You God…and I’m surprised that I finally had the drive to accomplish the papers that I need to do.

:)) And yes the new hair.My depression always lead to this.Everything is gonna be alright.

Christmas Playlist

creep
karma police
paranoid android (magnum opus nila)
there there
street spirit (grabe yan… super emotional)
high and dry
my iron lung
you

-A playlist from a friend.

Dear Em,

Yea,I have this music Nerd,nerd in all sorts of friend who’s younger but definitely knows more about music and bands than i do.He wrote the side comments.Last night I discovered Radiohead from someone,so I downloaded their album and I just can’t stop listening to their music.

This is my christmas vacation so far.Yesterday we just bought foods and more foods.So that I can nibble them during midnights.You know me,I dont sleep early.Yesterday I woke up 5pm.That’s how tired I was from travelling and my last nights in UP were really draining.

I’ve been thinking lately of what to do on christmas.Whether to do what I said,I left the stranger a word,so I must do what I said.But I guess I won’t receive a response and I might hope for one.But I can’t just say Merry Christmas.That’s insensitive.It still is my greatest fascination,how this happens to two people who used to understand minute gestures of each other.Now,even the greatest move is ignored.A total blur.I never thought that I could leave someone,ever.Or just disappear without any formal goodbye.This simply means that I was pushed to my limit.This is new.Thanks for letting me see this tendency of mine.

I’m not sad though but not that happy.This feeling of neutrality again.Maybe I’m just too tired or maybe I oversleep during mornings.I can’t wait for the hair to grow.Mom agreed on the red hair with highlights,uhhh right now I’m thinking of white highlights.Just a few.I might look very informal with too much of it.Uhh 2 or three strands at selected portions of the hair.I can picture myself.It looks cool I think.Or an ombre.I prefer an Ombre.But that requires a very long hair for the effect to be visible.I dont know.This is 4 months from now.My hair looks so ordinary right now.

I just want to write to you.I know this is utterly pointless.My mind is everywhere.Im going to my sister’s school later.Gonna talk to a few teachers then we might stroll around the city.I just feel like going out.I want an adventure.I tried singing an alternative rock song last night.It went fine.Maybe the song suited my voice even though I dont really have a good singing voice.

Im in my vacation attire.Loose white shirt of knee-length and messy hair.I love this.Very comfy and cozy.I want to go out wearing my brother’s shirt ,shorts and chucks.But since I’m going to my sister’s school I guess I can’t.They always notice what I wear.Uhh or I might hide from those people.

I can tie my hair in a bun now.But a few strands fall off.I haven’t ink-ed my three sketches yet.They’re my best work so far.Not clothes,abstract sketches.They have meanings.I’ll post it here within this week.Go figure.

I need a glass of water.I leave you with this.

Love,

Marylie

Chrismassy

Today, Mylie, we believe God wants you to know that …

in order to move forward you must open yourself to new experiences.

There is no failing, only results. Be courageous and push yourself to new heights. Besides, what is going to happen if you make a bad decision? – You will learn from it. The more results you make, the faster you will reach your destination.

(This fb app is really good @_@ This is exactly what I need)

Well in this world’s point of view,things went haywire for me lately.Some average,mostly bad.I guess I have to drop the PE.That’s gonna be ugly for my TOR,a DRP remark on a PE!For cupcake’s sake.But I was so tired this morning,I didn’t attend the game.I dont know if I can still complete the 10 uaap games…Looks like I need to tell my mom bout this,tho it’s not a big deal for me…it’s just annoying,heartbreaking,the thought of dropping a subject,even just a pe.

In a few minutes I’ll be home.I’m blogging in the bus.Watched a movie while occasionally looking at the window.I still cant spell occasionally correctly,I was corrected by wordpress.Hmm yes,even though these chunk of problem was dropped above my head and squeezed out the last ATP in me,I am living life.I feel contented.Really.Ofcourse my heart needed a rest from everything that happened but right now I can’t even imagine falling in love with someone again.If there would be.This weirdness is at its toll lately,I think I’ll be like this more often and no man can just handle it.

So right now,i’m a normal-looking,academically-average,weird teenager with her brain wired in a Topsy-turvy manner.Im about to go off the bus.See you later.

Tattoos the comfort chips.

Dear Em,

Cause all that’s left has gone away.This song never fails to bring me back to that night when I was alone in the lobby.Sitting on the floor.Studying ’til the last beat of the last remaining functional brain cell.Hungry.Broken-hearted.Damned but Hopeful.

I knew it.Something was meant to happen today.Here it is……..I just failed an exam.I received the result before testing our unknown carbohydrate sample in the polarimeter.The 4-hr lab exam that I told you the other day.My first failed exam in my 3rd year in college.I’m usually fine with failed exams when I was in 2nd year.Suprisingly,I didn’t fail any last sem,so here’s the first one.Losing someone and failing an exam,that’s not a good combo.Hard to deal with seriously.Tho I’m just off by 3.25 points.I still felt bad.But but I’m okay now,except that I have one night to review for tomorrow’s exam at 8am… it’s already 10:50pm…and it’s…sadly…biochem.

So I headed to mcdo katipunan right away after the lab.It’s tiring.I was able to study a bit..so on my way back to the dorm,as I was walking on the long,dark pathway…I talked to myself…yes I do that.Always.

“Marylie,why?I thought you were gonna pass,you were confident with your answers.It’s okay,3.25 points won’t hurt.The others failed too.You’re nearer to the passing mark.Yet they dont feel the way you do,so stop the drama.But why did this happen to you?What’s the next thing that you will fail on?First the person,now the exam,what marylie?”

And then I reached the road.My tears didn’t fall.

I didn’t enter my room Em.Sleeping is not an option tonight.I left my bag in the study area and went to my friend’s room.Mariel.I told her bout my failure.I remember the letter that I wrote to God last sunday.That no matter what happens after the exam,I will full-heartedly accept my fate.She reminded me to trust God even in such situations,to attend when He calls me even if doing so will eat my time to do the things that I need to do.

Yes.This is the purpose of writing that letter I guess.I just automatically wrote that on that day.It is to remind me that I should trust God even if the situations in my life don’t favor me.Well,in this world’s point of view,they don’t,but God always have a different way of viewing things.The blackest rose can be the whitest for Him.

So I went to my place in the dorm.2nd floor,left-wing comfort room,1st cubicle from the left.Tears ran down my cheeks.I felt soooooooooooooo weak.I felt like a failure.I read my bible.The letter that I wrote last sunday fell on the floor.I picked it up and read it.I cried harder while reading it.I asked God to strengthen my faith and hold me tightly when my plans for myself fail.To let his plans rule my life,no matter how hard they are to understand.Just when I was about to close the bible,I stumbled on this verse :

“That is why I am suffering as I am.Yet I am not ashamed,because I know whom I have believed,and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.-2Timothy 1:12”

At that moment,I knew what God wanted me to know,God spoke to me through the bible.He comforted me with His words.See how faithful God is.

Tonight maybe a hopeless case Em.With the insensitive girl behind me playing her player at max volume,I hope I can study.But with God,nothing is impossible.So I’m forgetting the bad and keeping the good realizations behind these unfortunate cascade of events.

Hehe.I bought 2 packs of Tatoos at mini stop.They have a 2.11oz.These cheap chips are my favorite.Forget Pringles. Haha =))

One last stretch Em.Wish me luck to not get lost on saturday.A friend read my blog,asked me why I call you Em.My favorite number is 13,my name starts with M.The 13th alphabet is M and the number 13 is chasing me again.Wherever I go.So there,Em.

Love,

Marylie

I just need to write while Im still smiling

Dear Em,

This will be quick.I just slept last night for the whole night.I have a lab report to pass today and an exam in biochem tomorrow.Haha,good thing I did my report earlier tho I haven’t finished it yesterday but I just finished it now.Im gonna rush to the library to study biochem since my class will start at 11:30.I still have time.Hmm it’s kinda sad that I can’t go home right away on saturday because I need to watch a UAAP game in San Juan.I dont know how to get there.I might get lost.But I dont want to think of it for now,I’m going there because I’m required to do so.

🙂 Last night’s sleep was my first decent sleep of the sem Em.Yey sleep.I made it Em.I thought I’ll be sobbing over wasted hours and mountains of worries this week but NO.

It was fun Em.Seeing myself accomplish the things that I need to do.The habit of crying everyday is gone now.I just wish to talk to my old friend on Christmas.I haven’t received a call from him for almost a year now.What has Australia done to him?Well as you know he was the one who helped me to get into college during my first year.I didn’t asked for it.He said it was a birthday present.I hope he and his family are in good condition.The first person who believed in my writings.

🙂 I’m still smiling.Lantern parade,oblation run and dinner somewhere tomorrow after the exam.It’s gonna be a day full of fun.I like lights.There will be lots of it tomorrow and the fireworks.I love those fireworks.I will be taking a video tomorrow.I want to have neon lights in our room.Or I could make us one.Heh,but with the use of fluorescent dyes. :)))) The nerd in me.

I will not be posting a pic of myself until March.For now I’m normal.I’m ordinary.

Love,

Marylie

 

The World on My Fingertips

I was deeply moved by what I’m reading at the moment.It is a handout from my Hum1 class.The filipinized version of an arts and humanities class .Arts in the form of literature and how society affects the development and evolution of literary pieces through time.Well,it’s quite obvious here that I do write.Used to write for a newspaper which I almost completely forgotten how.But this handout made me think of the reasons for my writing and the purpose of writing itself.

Literature and Society.Sounds pretty straight forward but the paragraphs were perfectly weaved.Informational yet deeply moving.Most informational articles have a tendency to bore the reader or maybe it depends on the string that connects the reader to the article if ever such string exists.But since I can relate to this,I might as well say my thoughts regarding the said article.

Writing has been my greatest form of self expression.The life that springs from each word that I write feeds my need of relating to the world.Though it can be noticed that I rarely use deep words.A product of restricted vocabulary.I don’t really understand the need to use highfalutin words.Doing so is like eating an under-cooked muffin.Looks good on the outside,raw in the inside.There maybe harmony in the stacking of words but for the readers it’s merely a group of words with unfathomable meanings,a nonsensical jumble of words.Writing was regarded as a form of art.A form of escape for starters.A sharpener of one’s imagination.The cliched notions of writing.They’re all true but not all the time.It depends on the situation of the writer,behind every written word is a thought that deeply rooted from the pains,smiles,laughter and human emotions of the writer.Writing is being human.Writing is my way of telling words that are concealed by my mouth,oppressed by my fears,bounded by my insecurities,dissolved by the feeling of nothingness.

It is a salon for ugly situations.I coat the unwanted situations in my life with possibilities and acceptable reasons which can be hardly done in a snap in the real world.In here wells hope.

-To be continued,I need to finish my paper and readings :)).If only I could pass this to my prof instead-

Fisher Knot

Dear EM,

I feel ugly,but it doesnt matter ..really.I dont feel bad feeling ugly.I feel …i feel hmm,,,I feel like waiting.To get back to my old state.Old physical state.Wait until hair grows ,have it red again,wait until everything clears out.As you know,my hair matters a lot to me.Physical beauty=hair beauty.Yes,call me silly for my analogy but that’s how I see physical beauty.Well in my case,my hair affects my overall look.Im patiently waiting for everything to go back to normal…

I’ve received my first ever genuinely given gift after two years.In between that time frame,the gifts that I had received were from christmas parties and agreements,the other person will give me a gift provided that i’ll give something back…Essence gone I know.I dont really receive gifts during christmas.Well first,I dont ask for gifts so people think I dont like gifts but I do,I really do.Whatever the gift is.Btw,that’s lucky,my synthetic pet pig.Lucky is so comfy to hug.He covers my eyes when I want to sleep in darkness when my room mates are still  awake.He oftentimes provides comfort to my head,an extra pillow as well.

My victory group leader gave me a gift :).It was simple yet very useful and what matters most is the thought and purpose of giving.Nakakatuwa lang.Then we played the cards that she brought.Dix it is the name of the game,you should try it.We should buy a set of the deck one day and play together.

I haven’t started anything yet.I said I’ll be doing the two papers tonight.I dont feel like doing them.Why laziness,why.I need to read the readings first before writing the papers,take note the readings are in filo.My brain cells will be tested.Filo un e,tanga pa naman ako sa deep filo words.You know that.

I met my good friend two days ago.Well it was again,another impulsive decision of mine to meet him at that time of the day which resulted to me zombie-walking my way back to the dorm at 11pm.Yes.Well I told him what’s up with my life lately,our scheduled meetings for the past months were all postponed by all the reasons possible and we ended up not meeting again after he gave me back the book that I lent him.His hair is somewhat longer than mine and the hair looks great.As usual,he is still the good old friend who listens and laughs at my sad stories because I have a funny way of telling sad stories…I tend to talk poetic when telling sad stories..He finds it funny cuz he’s a literature major.He is waaay better when it comes to playing with words.Nakakatawa lang daw pakinggan ang heavy ng mga filo words na nasasabi ko.I dont know where they came from but oh well.I was exhausted after that,wala na kong masakyan pauwi,so I ended up taking two jeepney rides and sobrang groggy at tulala na ko nun cuz of pagod.

Even if I feel like myself again it still is somehow hard kasi I cant express myself the way I used to.Well talking to the imaginary you helps.You’ll get to read all of these someday and know more on what happened to me while waiting for you or what happened to me in my idle times.I miss talking randomly to an actual person.I miss a random,meaningful two-way conversation.Let’s talk like this someday.I wouldnt be liking you or loving you in the first place if you dont talk like this.It’s the one thing that needs to match for the two of us,the way we converse.

I did what people do in the movies a while ago while I was in the jeepney.I looked up to the sky with my head outside the jeepney window.It isnt risky or dangerous,I did that when I was already in u.p.,no more jeepneys or cars in the road.It is relaxing.It feels good.It is something new.

Oh and the dream.One night when I was so tired and sad,as cliche as this may sound,I cried myself to sleep and prayed to meet you for the first time even just in my dream.Believe it or not I did.While I was in the church last sunday something crossed my mind that made me remember that I dreamed of you.All I know is that you were in my dream but I cant remember everything. God is reminding me to just wait for you cuz you’re there,cuz you really exists and He will only give you to me when I’m ready.I dont really know how to tell when I’m ready but He sure does.

I’m taking a nap.Change of plans.Wake up at 4am,read readings,paper time till 11:30.The Vitamin B complex is keeping me awake 🙂 As for the title of the blog,go figure.A clue,I’m an Eagle Scout.Know the purpose of the knot.

Love,

Marylie

Quantum Leap

Last Friday,Roseanne and I were discussing how big a quantum leap really is.I’ve told her stories of my Quantum Mechanics Class (Chem 156) and how abstract everything seemed like.Then we discussed this term,Quantum Leap.The word ‘quantum’ in the first place refers to something that is very very small.So how big is a quantum leap?

Isn’t it ironic?The word usage and the literal meaning of quantum.It’s used in describing great scientific achievements,or anything that was accomplished that greatly contributed and changed the life of mankind.’A quantum leap in the field of blablablabla”…And the likes.Then we came to a conclusion,that a quantum leap,is a quantum leap…Let’s pretend that this is a life changing matter.

Anyway,yesterday’s stress really pushed me to my end.Lately I’ve been studying a lot…or maybe not studying,just doing loads of academic-related stuff.You can see me roaming around the campus during breaks,bringing my laptop ,doing papers,torturing my calculator with my tiny fingers.. or if not,carrying my blank-paged,black-covered notebook and pencil,drawing in classes,making sense of random lines…drawing my profs,drawing myself while drawing,imagining things and putting them to paper.A while ago I came up with a girl sitting beside a tree.

Meanwhile in Lingg1 Class….

I am in my most fragile state.Im resisting the negativities though.Thank You God,for hearing my prayer last night.I’ve totally given up last night.I wasnt able to handle the stress even if I tried doing something to accomplish things.Then a sudden twist of events….things fell into place unexpectedly.I have no idea what happened but I feel calm and relaxed right now and I think I made the right decision.A while ago,I’ve made the most impulsive decision of my life.I’m gonna be a….PHYSICAL CHEMIST.It’s Phychem.Thermodynamics,part quantum,instrumentation blaas.Google it.It’s not the”physical” that you’re thinking.

I was supposed to be attending the orientation of one of the thesis advisers in Biochem.but then,while rushing a probset in phychem and eating my lunch in class while listening to my prof i decided not to go.Normally my mind can’t function very well if I’m doing something else ,but at that moment I felt like I belonged there.The prof was asking why and how questions,example “Why is the enthalpy of an ideal solution equal to zero?”…it’s from last years phychem but the topic is related to our present lecture on Macromolecules…While chewing the barbeque meat my mouth automatically said the answer,it was a guess..”The energy released upon solvent-solvent ,solute-solute bond breakage is equal to the energy needed to form the solvent-solute bond.”…And I didnt answer just one,I answered a lot.I’m not writing these things to brag.I got a grade of 1.75 from last sem’s phychem but all I understood were the maths.That’s what I thought until something is laid in front of me that made me realized that I learned something beyond the maths.It’s strange for me to act like that,considering that I hardly sleep everyday because of everything that I need to do…My eyes red from every night’s cry.In a normal scene,you can see me sleeping in that class ,doing something for other subjects , drawing or writing the plot of my novel.It was not until today that I realized that I learned something and it felt like I innately know the thing.It feels natural even if the needed concepts were from the past years it was retained and was the only chem concept retained in my brain.

Then there was a surprise quiz that I had no idea of solving and analyzing…fortunately I finished it and answered most correctly….it’s magic.It’s not me.It’s Him.His work through me.At that moment I buried the thought of pursuing a thesis that is related to biochem.I dont hate the subject ,I just cant comprehend the ideas  behind it.Then after class I went searching for my prof.I’ll try talking to him tomorrow.This was a sudden decision,but it was a great realization.Make-ups and Phychem is a perfect match.

My hair is so shiny,silky and soft.But I dont like the color and the length.Next year,on my birthday.

Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind

How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d;

Alexander Pope

What have I done last night?Now this headache.I need to go somewhere to study Quantum Mechanics.It’s phychem written in cuneiform.I don’t get a single thing.I dont want to study inside U.P.I’ll work on my paper tonight.Hmmm.Also,I watched a movie last night(4am-6am).Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind.That character,the girl.I can relate to her.I somehow felt that I am her.Why?Because….

• She changes her hair color a lot,just like I do.
• She has a place she calls her own.I have my spot.She has her frozen lake.
• She wants his memory erased…
• Whenever I meet or talk to a guy for the first time,they always tell me good things.With the way I converse with them ,with what tell them,with the random ideas hovering on my head.They find me adventurous,they find me weird in a good way,they think my life is full of excitement ,they think I can always find a way to eradicate my boredom,but in the end they will find something wrong in me,something they dont like,something that will make them take back the words that they said before,eventually telling me that I’ve changed.That is still me.This is what she felt like at the end of the movie.When the guy told him that he can’t find anything in her that he doesn’t like.I can clearly hear that line in my head,from their voices.They said that several times.Made me think that I am totally different but last night I realized that I’m not.Maybe I am adventurous,weird,and alll that.But just like any other girls,I get pissed off and hurt with the things that other girls don’t like.It’s the common denominator maybe for all girls.No matter how unique each and everyone is.We feel the same hurt.Cry the same tears.
• Next time I meet someone,I’ll tell him that eventually he’ll find something uninteresting and unlikable in me.That was what I thought when “it” happened.I was surprised that she said it in the movie as well.
• She’s an open book.
• She likes conversations.
• She is impulsive.

Am I making wrong impressions of myself to other people?Am I making them believe that I’m someone that I’m not?Maybe I should know myself deeper.Even though right now I think I already do.If I’m unconsciously doing that I’m sorry self for I made you suffer.But most of the times,I think I’m just being marylie.The merry and sometimes moody marylie.The marylie that do stupid things,random things,everything she wants to do at a dead moment.

Last Night.

Photo by:Jun Madrid.This was last year’s photo of the Quezon hall.But it exactly looked like this except the columns of the building at the back were not yet decorated.Strings of christmas lights drape on the columns.

Dear Mr.Curiosity,

This is the sub-letter of last night’s main letter.Lol what?I’ve written a letter in paper for you.I dont have someone to talk to while I was sitting in front of Oble.Anyway,it was again another magical night.The christmas lights,the foggy streets,the orange lamp posts,the root/bed,the clear night sky,the cold breeze,the silhouette of the leaves,the giant star lanterns.This is my favorite time of the year.U.P is really wonderful during decembers.I was in the jeepney with my friend a while ago until I impulsively decided to go down and take a little walk alone.I got tired from walking to the point that my eyes were closed while doing so.Sleep walking at its finest.Then I laid on the root for a while but my eyes were falling so I decided to go back and take some rest.I could have slept in there.

Initially I thought that it was a silly thing to do.I have probsets and papers lined up but I just cant resist doing that.It’s really relaxing for me.Oh oh and I’ve seen another amazing scenery…In the amphitheater ,the rays of light that squeeze themselves in between the tree branches creating some sort of “hypnotic” effect.I really don’t know how to describe it.When I saw it my eyes were fixed on it even though I was walking.Walking forward with my head turned to my left.I’ll try drawing it then I’ll show you someday.Or we could do this too.Walk on the foggy streets of U.P during Decembers.Please let’s do this every year.:) I want to see a herd of sky lanterns with you.

I don’t know how to survive this week.But I’m glad that I’m making progress.I still can’t get back to my old routine of 2-3 hours of sleep even if I’m being forced to that kind of lifestyle again.Well I could sleep for 2-3 hours but I really feel sleepy and weak whenever I do.Unlike before,I can even survive a day with only an hour of sleep.I need that now.

Last night I’ve seen free fireworks.Isn’t that awesome?

Love,

Marylie

It’s Gonna Be Alright Now

You finally talked to me.I was praying for this for so long.Hearing this song felt like You’re talking to me.

God You’re so amazing.I can cry my most painful and happiest tears now. Take my heart.It’s Yours.All Yours.I want to let go and detach myself from all of these.Specially when You dont want it for me.But thank You for using this event in my life.I will gladly reminisce everything when I’m ready.

Omnipresent

The scene confined in a window

With swift it drifts away.

A turbulent flow ,no room for the slow

The heavy outburst no one can weigh.

 

Stuck in a moment,

Stood still in front of the tunnel

Took the first step in covering the dent

Didn’t notice the deep well.

 

Gushing water drowned her hope

Her heartbeat stopping reaching her end

But then she grabbed an invisible rope

Her heart was meant to mend.

 

And now she needs to take a bus ride and go home.-to be continued-

Where Magic Happens

(Photo by Chris Villarin)

Dear Mr.Curiosity,

This place was a witness of a chapter of my life.It still is.Just this time ,it’s me alone.Until the day comes.Until the right person comes…I promise to bring you here.To the man who will take my tears seriously ,who will still love me for my weaknesses and sensitivity.I don’t know when.I don’t know how.But this time I’m sure that I’m more patient than ever in waiting for you.I can’t afford another heartbreak,another cry,another lonely night.I will be longing for you until that day.I know you will understand this weirdness and take it as the most precious thing about me.I know that you will understand that I’m different yet reconcile these differences to make a lovely forever with me.I would appreciate a bottle of ketchup in our anniversary.Just please don’t make coffee for me unless I ask for it.A glass of milk with tidbits of cheese would be great during mornings.Just so you know,everything that you’ll be giving me will be treasured,even if it’s just a flower picked from a park.Or a feather from a bird that have fallen from a tree. Please lend me your ears when I tell you my rants.I may complain a lot and get angry on many things but I will stay with you and never leave you whenever you need me.This blog post can be my vow in our future wedding.Until the day comes…You’ll know everything,hear everything.

I’ll start writing daily letters for you again.Sorry if I stopped.But I still have the old ones.

Love,

Marylie

 I knew it.This place is really magical.It was included in each of their stories.A fun read.

Check out their blogs :http://evenstarwen.com/tag/up-diliman-sunken-garden/ 

http://aboutmyrecovery.com/college-sweethearts/

Freeda.

A perfect sunday morning,except i woke up 9am.I planned to wake up around 7am to start studying.I haven’t done anything productive yesterday.But a matter is settled which is great.A big sigh of relief.

We may not get what we want,but God will give us what we need.Something that will give our hearts contentment,something that will put our hearts at peace and our minds brought back to reality.A reality that God wants us to see.A reality not far-fetched.A reality worth living in.

Smylie.

Yes I’m back.Well as lame as this may sound,but I cant leave the blogsite..for  the nth time.Maybe I should change themes,or whatever.Reverting back to the Aug.12 theme was a bad idea…So anyway here I go again with my story telling.

I dont know maybe Im just feeling calm right now.Im usually calm during mornings and afternoons but when nights struck my tears are like programmed to give in to the influence of the moon and earth’s gravity combined.Life.Heartbreaks.Tears.

It’s as if the world grew so big without me noticing.You know a person is important when he/she can make a dent to your universe.Yea poetic stuff I know.But I noticed that when I try harder to hide this,the more I get hurt.I just hope that one day,I’ll get to talk to you via phone or whatever,as long as there is voice to discuss what happened.Even if we go separate ways…or yea..but we’re not even..idk…just that..I wish you all the best for now and forever.But hey,I dont blame you for my tears.My tears are not as significant as your problem…maybe.Well I mean,I understand the weight of your problem..uhh yea but I still have thoughts which I cant reveal here…all that I can say is…I understand…but i cant be completely gone.

So I’m going back to normal life .I just cant stop and sob over the problem.I dont wanna be left out.I can still cry once in a while but I can’t let that pull me down.It’s good to look back,just make sure that you dont get stuck.So life goes on.There are instances that we get pushed to our limits,whether it be in the physical,emotional,mental aspects… constant downpour of problems = a chance to grow.To mature,specially spiritually. Every problem happens with God’s permission.As what they say,it’s “Father-filtered”. That’s something that makes me smile right now.Based on personal experience,I always get blinded by the problem at first.Ofcourse initial reaction is to question,to get mad.Partly,I’m still in that stage right now but I guess I’m no longer blinded…blinded in the sense that I’d let the problem eat me,I’d let it to constantly push me down whenever I try to get up. It’s always better to look at the main goal of myself being subjected to the problem,rather than feeling bad and looking at life negatively.If there’s one thing Homo sapiens isn’t adapted to,it’s coping with a loss or a problem right away.Yes people can tell you feel-good lines,watch happy movies…but the more you turn away from the problem…the more it will run after you.Courage is acknowledging your fears and dealing with it.Courage is made possible by fear.Just like oil and water mixing.There will be a point where opposite things can signify one meaningful thing.I dont know…but yhe.

(hearing my mother rant …is distracting.the whining voice.)

Haha.I cant fool myself and tell random stuffs right now that dont even get my attention.I always blog what I feel.What I think.What I do…so what I did today.I woke up 7:53 am.We held a debate seminar at 8am…so I got up.Since I took a bath late night the other day I just dressed up right away.Yea ,formal business attire then headed directly to the Tarlac Capitol…Well I enjoyed it.I listened to the speaker even if that’s our event.It was fun.A deposit to my knowledge bank .Seeing the high school students do a mock debate was entertaining but I cant help but comment silently in my seat as I watch them.It’s like hearing different versions of the same song.Same thought,just different delivery,a play of words.And then I went to the park,called my friend and then I headed to the arcade again,played basketball with the formal business attire.Bought a slurpee and went home.Ok the last part was monotonous.The other day I scored 234.Highest so far,cuz friends are watching me play.Pressure. -.-But I didnt beat the high score which is just 278. Yea,lame.

I’m still waiting for my last grade to show up…It’s the determining factor…whether I’ll be a college scholar this sem (dean’s lister)…but as far as I know I got 2.5 in that unless prof will curve…I’ve never been a college scholar…Nearest GWA was 1.76.Cut off 1.75.it just feels nice to write bout it now cuz it is now where im closest to becoming one… 1.67 and counting…I need a grade of 2.00. But expected is 2.5.Oh well. But whatever happens it has been a good sem…even if it ended like this…there’s more to this life than this.

Smylie. 🙂 Soon,I’ll be in the get-used-to-up stage.A week left and hello second sem with all your mamaw subjects.

A nice Katy Perry song.Have you ever been?