Just write

I’ve been trying to write lately but I’m not publishing any of them. Maybe because I’m trying to say something sensible when I’m just actually being a couch potato.

How have I been?

Well the previous months were crazy like hell. I’m not gonna reveal the details but all I can say is. I MADE IT, WE MADE IT GOD! Haha man I really have no idea how I made it this far. There were nights that I just want to back out, step back, stop and not simply pause. Life gets tougher each day and so am I. Whenever I look back at the younger version of myself (few days ago kind of old) I can see the growth that has happened and is continually happening in me. It is not perfect neither is it easy. It is not always happy. But it definitely is worth it. I’m liking myself now. Self love and appreciation also takes time, tons of patience, endless forgiveness and acceptance.

To be honest, most of nights were spent alone. Staring at the wall, the ceiling, the sky, the road staring at almost everything I can stare at. Because sometimes I can’t do anything but simply breathe. That’s where breathing become the most useful thing that I can do. That’s where the magic of breathing happens, I need to decide to breathe to keep on living. To keep my eyes blinking, to keep my clock ticking. Life at this point of view becomes a celebration of existence. Existing doesn’t happen out of nowhere, it needs to start somewhere.

And so I continue my journey. When I get tired I go slow but I never will stop.

I know I am different, I will never be understood by any human in existence and I am not ashamed of that. I will embrace it and grow fruits from it. Each of us were made with a unique set of characteristics that define us, how our days will be and how we will go through this life. No one has the same story. So make yours count.

🙂 Happy Monday everyone and God bless us all.

I just need to write while Im still smiling

Dear Em,

This will be quick.I just slept last night for the whole night.I have a lab report to pass today and an exam in biochem tomorrow.Haha,good thing I did my report earlier tho I haven’t finished it yesterday but I just finished it now.Im gonna rush to the library to study biochem since my class will start at 11:30.I still have time.Hmm it’s kinda sad that I can’t go home right away on saturday because I need to watch a UAAP game in San Juan.I dont know how to get there.I might get lost.But I dont want to think of it for now,I’m going there because I’m required to do so.

🙂 Last night’s sleep was my first decent sleep of the sem Em.Yey sleep.I made it Em.I thought I’ll be sobbing over wasted hours and mountains of worries this week but NO.

It was fun Em.Seeing myself accomplish the things that I need to do.The habit of crying everyday is gone now.I just wish to talk to my old friend on Christmas.I haven’t received a call from him for almost a year now.What has Australia done to him?Well as you know he was the one who helped me to get into college during my first year.I didn’t asked for it.He said it was a birthday present.I hope he and his family are in good condition.The first person who believed in my writings.

🙂 I’m still smiling.Lantern parade,oblation run and dinner somewhere tomorrow after the exam.It’s gonna be a day full of fun.I like lights.There will be lots of it tomorrow and the fireworks.I love those fireworks.I will be taking a video tomorrow.I want to have neon lights in our room.Or I could make us one.Heh,but with the use of fluorescent dyes. :)))) The nerd in me.

I will not be posting a pic of myself until March.For now I’m normal.I’m ordinary.

Love,

Marylie

 

Quantum Leap

Last Friday,Roseanne and I were discussing how big a quantum leap really is.I’ve told her stories of my Quantum Mechanics Class (Chem 156) and how abstract everything seemed like.Then we discussed this term,Quantum Leap.The word ‘quantum’ in the first place refers to something that is very very small.So how big is a quantum leap?

Isn’t it ironic?The word usage and the literal meaning of quantum.It’s used in describing great scientific achievements,or anything that was accomplished that greatly contributed and changed the life of mankind.’A quantum leap in the field of blablablabla”…And the likes.Then we came to a conclusion,that a quantum leap,is a quantum leap…Let’s pretend that this is a life changing matter.

Anyway,yesterday’s stress really pushed me to my end.Lately I’ve been studying a lot…or maybe not studying,just doing loads of academic-related stuff.You can see me roaming around the campus during breaks,bringing my laptop ,doing papers,torturing my calculator with my tiny fingers.. or if not,carrying my blank-paged,black-covered notebook and pencil,drawing in classes,making sense of random lines…drawing my profs,drawing myself while drawing,imagining things and putting them to paper.A while ago I came up with a girl sitting beside a tree.

Meanwhile in Lingg1 Class….

I am in my most fragile state.Im resisting the negativities though.Thank You God,for hearing my prayer last night.I’ve totally given up last night.I wasnt able to handle the stress even if I tried doing something to accomplish things.Then a sudden twist of events….things fell into place unexpectedly.I have no idea what happened but I feel calm and relaxed right now and I think I made the right decision.A while ago,I’ve made the most impulsive decision of my life.I’m gonna be a….PHYSICAL CHEMIST.It’s Phychem.Thermodynamics,part quantum,instrumentation blaas.Google it.It’s not the”physical” that you’re thinking.

I was supposed to be attending the orientation of one of the thesis advisers in Biochem.but then,while rushing a probset in phychem and eating my lunch in class while listening to my prof i decided not to go.Normally my mind can’t function very well if I’m doing something else ,but at that moment I felt like I belonged there.The prof was asking why and how questions,example “Why is the enthalpy of an ideal solution equal to zero?”…it’s from last years phychem but the topic is related to our present lecture on Macromolecules…While chewing the barbeque meat my mouth automatically said the answer,it was a guess..”The energy released upon solvent-solvent ,solute-solute bond breakage is equal to the energy needed to form the solvent-solute bond.”…And I didnt answer just one,I answered a lot.I’m not writing these things to brag.I got a grade of 1.75 from last sem’s phychem but all I understood were the maths.That’s what I thought until something is laid in front of me that made me realized that I learned something beyond the maths.It’s strange for me to act like that,considering that I hardly sleep everyday because of everything that I need to do…My eyes red from every night’s cry.In a normal scene,you can see me sleeping in that class ,doing something for other subjects , drawing or writing the plot of my novel.It was not until today that I realized that I learned something and it felt like I innately know the thing.It feels natural even if the needed concepts were from the past years it was retained and was the only chem concept retained in my brain.

Then there was a surprise quiz that I had no idea of solving and analyzing…fortunately I finished it and answered most correctly….it’s magic.It’s not me.It’s Him.His work through me.At that moment I buried the thought of pursuing a thesis that is related to biochem.I dont hate the subject ,I just cant comprehend the ideas  behind it.Then after class I went searching for my prof.I’ll try talking to him tomorrow.This was a sudden decision,but it was a great realization.Make-ups and Phychem is a perfect match.

My hair is so shiny,silky and soft.But I dont like the color and the length.Next year,on my birthday.