In guess I am back

Guess what?After 7 years, I am back.

I do not know how well I can write in the wordpress ios app. I used to write in the browser form. So this will take a bit of time to get used to.

The reason why I’m writing is, I remembered how I survived college at the peak of my depression through writing. I think I really get to talk to myself differently here. Like there’s another part of me that writes down my sane thoughts and makes sense of whatever is currently happening to me.

Let’s try that again. I contemplated on whether I should put this site in public again or keep it private due to my ugly past. I decided to put it public again. Just in case someone will come across this and help them in any way possible.

I am fricking tired of life. I am 29 now, married, breadwinner,cat mom. My marriage is great although there are occasional fights just like any other couple, but separation is not on the table. But there are really times that it just hurts. To live, to love and to keep on living. It frickin’ hurts.

I am really tired. Of life in general. I know that I have a great job, a good husband, lovely cats, enough salary but still…life burns you out sometimes. It feels bad to be not appreciated, being called out for things you enjoy doing…and sometimes it is the unsaid words that hurts the most. I will not go by the detail. I’m tired and it’s 12:41 am. I am just waiting for my depression medication to take effect so I can finally fall asleep.

God really talks to you and says the right words specially when you need it. I decided to start my monday with reading the scripture and this is the story of Leah when she was trying to win Jacob’s love. She had multiple births and every birth she is hoping that Jacob will finally love her. Until she gave birth to Judah. That’s when she stopped pleasing Jacob and finally decided that “This time I will praise the Lord” and then she stopped giving birth.

It’s basically the same with my situation now. I came across several instances this week that drove me to do things with the motivation of pleasing my husband, parents, workmates,customers and other people. Maybe if I do this or do that it will make me more of what I want or put me into a situation that is more favorable to me. Maybe it is time to stop and just do things for the Lord and to praise Him in whatever it is.

Honestly, it is quite hard to praise the Lord right now because I am hurting. I just have to remember that Leah was hurt too, yet she did.

Remind yourself

To always be thankful for what you have
to groan in pain yet keep praising
the ultimate reason for this life.

The smiles that lift spirits
the tears that pull us closer to Him
the stillness that reminds us
that our Father is watching
He who keeps on loving
will never leave us grieving.

-MarylieC

…

Sometimes, I get fed up too.

 

Just write

I’ve been trying to write lately but I’m not publishing any of them. Maybe because I’m trying to say something sensible when I’m just actually being a couch potato.

How have I been?

Well the previous months were crazy like hell. I’m not gonna reveal the details but all I can say is. I MADE IT, WE MADE IT GOD! Haha man I really have no idea how I made it this far. There were nights that I just want to back out, step back, stop and not simply pause. Life gets tougher each day and so am I. Whenever I look back at the younger version of myself (few days ago kind of old) I can see the growth that has happened and is continually happening in me. It is not perfect neither is it easy. It is not always happy. But it definitely is worth it. I’m liking myself now. Self love and appreciation also takes time, tons of patience, endless forgiveness and acceptance.

To be honest, most of nights were spent alone. Staring at the wall, the ceiling, the sky, the road staring at almost everything I can stare at. Because sometimes I can’t do anything but simply breathe. That’s where breathing become the most useful thing that I can do. That’s where the magic of breathing happens, I need to decide to breathe to keep on living. To keep my eyes blinking, to keep my clock ticking. Life at this point of view becomes a celebration of existence. Existing doesn’t happen out of nowhere, it needs to start somewhere.

And so I continue my journey. When I get tired I go slow but I never will stop.

I know I am different, I will never be understood by any human in existence and I am not ashamed of that. I will embrace it and grow fruits from it. Each of us were made with a unique set of characteristics that define us, how our days will be and how we will go through this life. No one has the same story. So make yours count.

🙂 Happy Monday everyone and God bless us all.

–

ugh yay?

Dear Em,

I’m getting tired of everyone.

 

Maybe I should care less or not care at all.

It’ll be fine:) I want to be with you..you know. It kinda feels like the world is against me today.  Could really use a hug Em.

Love,

Marylie

Dear Em,

Hi, it’s been a while. I wish you’re here with me right now.

For some reason, I feel really, really sad. I wish you’re here. I really do.

We can just sit.

We can share stories.

We can simply watch the world around us breathe as our thoughts fade in its chaos.

We can simply be with each other.

In times like this, I find it hard to be me. I find it hard to not a say a word when there’s too much to say. When there are too many ideas that stay as ideas. When there are emotions itching to be expressed.

There are days that I get tired of being happy and I simply want to be sad. But, but if I am to be sad, I wanna be sad with you.

Sigh. Em. Someday, someday you will find me.

Love,

Marylie

I need to go back

 

Not to you, but to myself.

I had to gather all the courage left in me. Maybe even pick-up the courage that kept hanging on the edge of each broken piece. I lost myself along the way and the road that lead me here is now out of sight. So I need to trace it back, only now, I’m on my own.

Pain still wakes me up. When it does, it cuts deep. It butchers every remaining tissue that still beats for you, every cell that yearns for you. I endure this pain, hoping that I will love you less with each passing day. This is the irony of moving on- the antidote for pain is pain itself.

“Love” can sugar coat the ugliest truth. I need to scratch the surface that grew thick. No matter how exhausting, no matter how tedious. I have to uncover the truth about us and swallow the bitter core that will always remind me that we’re not meant to be together. Not because I didn’t want to, but because you chose to let go. At the end of the day, love boils down to a decision and you did not choose me.

To you, I was just the moon. You placed yourself as the sun of my life. So I simply stood behind your shadow and shined with your light. I tried to pull the waters that consistently attempted to drown us. With this fickle heart, I tried everything to save what was left of us. But it’s hard to fight the battle on my own.

I forgot that I am not someone else’s satellite. I am a star- born out of collision, shaped by chaos. I have a light of my own and this light can uncover the roads that I need and I am yet to take. I am not an option. I am not a back-up plan. I am the answer to someone’s prayers. I am a gift to someone’s life.

 

(Written a week ago, I’m better now. :D)

…

Now it feels like the person that I loved died.

He is there, the manifestation of his physical presence but whenever I see his face, it’s as if I’m looking through a deep void. No matter how hard I search his face, I no longer see him. I can’t even catch a glimpse of my love.

It is best to forget about us. Maybe you weren’t real at all.

 

A new today

When you finally choose to change your ways, God will help you according to His will.

That’s what I learned today.

I starred at the field where we used to spend our time while waiting for an office mate.Rode someone else’s car on my way home. Watched the sunset from the tinted window. Left a pair of shoes in their car.

I fixed my mind to resist the prolonged agony of going back to how we used to be. You still contacted me for no concrete reason. I mean after everything that happened, that is such an unreasonable and pathetic move. You could have tried harder, but you didn’t. I no longer want to think of the good things. So I thought, maybe you’re just bored. You don’t want or love me enough to go beyond a single text message.

There are times that I wish I never knew you. I really wish I never did. But the lesson of our story will surely be useful in my future.

So in the coming days, I will continue to choose to move away from you. Each day, I am 24 hours away from our past. I will continue doing this as soon as I finally let go of everything, every remaining love, every inflicted pain.

Because sometimes, we need to give-up on loving. We need to save ourselves from the delusion that we’re in. It’s hard to fight a battle of two all by ourselves.

I still carry with me, this heavy heart. The heart that you murdered down to its core. The heart that you left bleeding until it was emptied with all the love that it has for you.

You taught me how to be numb, but someday I will choose to love again.

You will never see her, no matter how hard you try to look for her.

You will never see the girl who loved you- ever again.

Remind me

I want to be reminded of the love that I have for everything in my life aside from you.

I want to see through the eyes that God made for me. Too loose the scales that blinded me. I am not an extension of your soul. I am not a part of you nor should you be a part of me. It sure is going to be hard. To remove every bit of you in my system. But I should. After all the lies, after all the things that you have done that destroyed me.

I am forgetting you. You no longer have a place in my heart.

I hate you

I really do. After everything that you have done to me.

Let this hate dissolve all my love for you.

 

…

Maybe I should go…

REASON

——

Wounds, heal
I say heal,
It’s about time
to seal this cut
that left me bleeding
every smile
it has kept fleeting.

Tears dry,
I say dry.
For once I thought
the river wouldn’t
stop flowing.
With every drop,
I’m slowly drowning.

The reason
held me captive.
Your absence
-there must be
something behind it.
Hoped that deep down,
you didn’t want to leave.
But I was wrong, beyond disbelief.

I wish sorry
was said as an act of regret.
In exchange of the lies
and everything
that you chose not to say.
But sorry, you said sorry
for you were not ready
-to say a word,
to ease this curiosity.

You made me realize
that silence
is the answer.
Words are but a medium
-uttered to cover your spectrum
of ways that deceived me.
You left,
it was your choice
to leave me.
-Marylie C

Bloom

I was cold when winter came,
lost my vibrance in autumn’s pain,
shed my tears under the summer’s heat,
“This is it”, I uttered my defeat.

But spring, oh I forgot spring.
I felt life, trickling down my skin.
Petals stretched, my soul at rest
dew drops fell-the end to my quest.

This unfolding beauty
will manifest in time.
I will shed my past,
colors will come,darkness will sublime.

-MarylieC

Thank you

You witnessed all my darkness.When my impurities surfaced, you marveled at them like grains of sparkling gold.

You held me while I was breaking. Your arms bled with my heart, picked up every shattered piece without attempting to fix me. For you knew that was me at the moment and I needed to feel that brokenness.  You knew that I’m better off broken than to be forced to be whole again.

You absorbed all my emptiness. Listened to my endless string of stories and words, tolerated all my shallow-rooted angers.

You saw the person that I painstakingly hid from everyone everyday and never have I felt fear of showing the reality of me to you. For once I wanted to be free from all the judgments of their eyes, free from the rejection that awaits me, free from a prison where I caged my self in.

Now I am free. I am free once again. Maybe it’s time to let you see.

Thank you.

Mono

Nights bring a familiar sight.
A sense of numbness,
leaves me paralyzed.
So I try to alter,
a thing or two,
maybe a change of place
-maybe this will do.

I went out to feel
the minute motions.
Microcosms of the entire universe
manifested in clues.
Cryptic meanings
hidden in simplicities.
Often unmagnified,unnoticed.

Rhythmic noises,
mixtures of voices.
A saturation of life
in small spaces.
Each soul reserved
in a bubble of self-image.
Conversations of empty
sugar-coated verses.

In this sea of people,
I am but one soul.
In my solitude,
time played slow.
The faintest heartbeat
brought to light
I am here,I have one life.
-MarylieC

Dear God,

I miss You. I’m sure you’ve seen what happened to me lately. Not just in that particular area of my life, but in everything. I distanced myself from you. I felt unworthy, ungrateful, in pain, hopeless, name all the negative adjectives that you can, that’s what I felt. I sinned and sinned again. Tried to get back up but I just can’t. I am incapable of healing myself. To be honest with you, I think I am even incapable of love right now, and I can’t give what I don’t have. I kinda lost it.

Everyday, I tried to fix myself on my own. I failed, I’m not even an inch better from my state after that happened. I think I just got worse and I give up. I give up on trying to fix this on my own. I need You.

I need You not simply because I need You to fix me. I need You because, no matter how I deny it, You’re a part of me. You are the very entity that breathes life to my soul. It’s only with You that I feel most alive. Words can’t express how sorry I am for what I did. I know that You also bear a heavy heart seeing me like this, seeing Your daughter inflict this kind of pain to herself. Seeing her disobey when You already allowed her to see how things should be from the very beginning. I am sorry for trying to twist Your arm to get what I want. For reading the signs that weren’t Yours, walking the path that You didn’t intend for me.

It’s not anyone’s obligation to understand me and forgive me for putting that responsibility on someone else’s shoulder. With just one twitch of a finger, I know that You fully understand me.

I really miss You. I also miss my identity in You. Right now I feel like a bird who has lost its sense of direction. I will not ask for You to take this pain away from me anymore, right now all I ask for is You, because I miss You God. I really do.

So take me in Your loving arms once again, carry me like a helpless child ’cause I am.

I am helpless, so helpless without You. Open my heart  to feel Your love once again. Allow me to love others the same way that You do with me.

Love,

Your daughter

Rain

Remind me of a feeling.
A feeling I forgot.
Somewhat foreign,
I don’t know where to start.
If my smiles will mean something,
I wish they show the truth.
That I used to be happy,
but now trapped in gloom.

Let my heavy heart pour out,
cast this heavy storm.
May these memories vanish,
fast, like streaks of lightning,
fade, like the sound of thunder.
May the rain,
-these innocent drops of water,
seep their way back to their core.

Just how joy
would find me once again.
To bind the loose fragments,
to fill in the gaps of a now porous heart.
Let me remember
to remember.
‘Cause who I was once was,
is who I really am.
-MarylieC.

About time

I accept my defeat. I accept that the one thing that I never thought would happen to me, played like a movie and I was the actress. I watched it helplessly, knowing that I consciously allowed all these in my life.

It felt like slipping on a floor devoid of friction. I kept on slipping away, no control, farther each second – until I fell at the bottom of what seemed to be an endless pit. A silent fall, no trace of me here. I am having a hard time getting back up, I lose my grip, I crawl a new distance each day, but still, I fall. I’m here again.

I was so close to knowing who you really are. But in every woman, is an instinct. She knows when to stop searching for the answers. So I did. I stopped. There’s no use to knowing the real you, I don’t know you anymore. I’m not even sure if I did know you. It’s as if everything was just a lie. A play, a script- cryptically written. No flaws, until everything was laid bare. At the right time, all the lies surfaced. All these lies blocked my view of you, of who I thought you were. There was no light, no answers, just lies.